It is better to work in a large company than a small company
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people might argue that employees should work in a small company. This is because there are less interruped by other people. Contrary to their belief, I believe that people have to work in a large company for two reasons: improving their work efficiency and broaden their viewpoints.
Fist of all, working in a large company can encourage employees to work with more passion. This is attributed to the fact that it can serve as one of the key motivators for them to perform better and to improve themselves. With such motivation, they will put in more effort in their work, concentrate better on their tasks and feel a deeper sense of responsibility for their work. 단순히 큰 회사에서 일하는 것이 좋은 동기부여가 된다는 설명보다 구체적으로 '왜' 동기부여가 되는지에 대한 설명을 보여주는 편이 좋습니다. 더 많은 봉급과 같은 경우에 '돈이 motivator'가 된다는 설명으로 충분할 수 있지만, 큰 회사에서 일하는 게 동기부여가 된다는 설명은 직접적으로 와 닿지는 않지요. 어떤 면에서 일의 능률을 올려주는지 설명을 더 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. According to a research conducted by the Ministry of Labor in 2010, there was a huge difference between two groups of employees in relation to their rates of achievement. Employees in Group A worked in a large company and those in Group B did not(were not). The researchers showed that the former group spent 25% more number of hours on to their work and performed higher than the latter group. In particular, employees in Group A followed instructions, submitted assignments on time and participated actively on group meetings. On the other hand, those in Group B dozed off and lacked focus while working. It can be inferred that working in a large company has a direct correlation with the amount of effort and energy that employees invest in working. 사례 내용에서도 마찬가지로 "연구자들은 이런 점이 이들의 능률에 영향을 미친 것으로 해석했다."하는 식의 설명으로 논리를 보여주는 편이 좋습니다.
In addition, working in a large company can allow people to broaden their horizon. It is obvious that there are much more various racial co-workers in a large company than a small company. This can expose people them to different worlds of lifestyles, basic customs, and cultures. Through this experience, they can learn to embrace diversity. 규모가 큰 회사라고 해서 무조건 '인종적 다양성'을 갖는 것은 아닙니다. 다른 문화권에 대한 시야가 넓어진다기보다 많은 사람이 모일수록 업무스타일이나 문제를 풀어가는 방식을 다양하게 접할 수 있고 이를 통해 시야가 넓어진다는 식으로 풀어내는 편이 더 자연스럽겠지요. 논제 성격에 맞게끔 내용 방향을 다듬어주세요. For example, when I had a part-time job, there was an Ethiopian girl who brought home-cooked meals for lunch. It smelled funny, and she ate with her hands without using utensils, and other students who had never seen such a scene kept their distance from her. On the other hand, being educated on Africa and African table manners through my African co-workers in a large company, I was perfectly understanding and comfortable with what was taking place. 사례 내용이 주장과 어떤 관련성이 있는지를 좀 더 명확하게 해주세요.
To sum up, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I mentioned above. All in all, I believe this trend will probably continue for the next generation.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
모델에세이를 활용하실 때는 논제의 방향에 맞게 흐름을 다듬는 부분에 신경써주세요. 모델에세이의 키워드만 수정해서 응용할 경우 논점이 어긋나거나 흐름이 어색해지는 부분들이 생기기 쉽습니다. 좀 더 논제에 대한 insight를 보여줄 수 있는 답변으로 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!