Although there is an argument over whether are students are more influenced by teachers than by or friends, but I think the answer is evident. (앞의 문장을 번역하면 학생들이 친구들에 의해서 보다는 선생님에 의해서 더 많은 영향을 받는다는 논쟁이 있다 할지라도 나는 답이 명확하다 생각한다 가 되는데요. 문장의 흐름이 약간 어색한 것 같아요. 논쟁이 있을지라도 라는 말로 시작을 하는 것보다는 이러이러한 논쟁이 있다 그리고 나는 이것에 대해서 어떻게 생각한다. 라고 써 주시는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요) I think students are more susceptible to their friends’ influences. This is because there is an rigid hierarchy between students and teachers, and because friends who shares dream last forever.
To start with, because there are rigid and obvious hierarchy between students and teachers, I think it is really hard to become candid in front of teachers. This is because we, as students, basically have to accept the teacher's lessons. And there is more. Furthermore, the awkwardness between students and teachers are more aggrevated aggravated because there are is a generation gap. For example, my dream is to be an jazz bass guitarlist guitarist but my teachers have are so conservative opinions about music, saying "It's simply a waste of time and whether you like it or not you should spend more time in studying whether you like it or not." But I can't even stand up to them or at least show candidly what kind of person I am, because it is considered to be insolent. The hierarchy is THAT much rigid.
Second, I think friends are more influential than teachers because it is friends whom we share dreams with, not our teachers. This is because when it comes to common passion between friends, they spend times together, substantially pursuing their goals. Times spent with together with friends are incomparable to that of with teachers. It's because friends hang out together all the time, even they drink shots togeter, and get wasted together. (together의 너무 반복적인 사용이 있습니다. 같은 단어를 너무 많이 반복 해 주는 건 좋지 않아요) There is no mystery in growing friendships. (앞의 문장의 정확한 의미파악이 조금 어렵고 글의 흐름과 맞지 않은 것 같아요) Another (another example은 문장앞에 오는 구문으로 혼자 쓰일 수가 없어요) For example, I have a friend who is a jazz pianist, and when we jam together, it feels like nothing in the world matters except for this moment, and at that moment I get that feeling that she knows me better than my teachers, or even my families.
In summary, I think it is friends who influence me more, because teachers are hard to communicate due to the rigid hierarchy and generation gap, and because the amount of times spent together pursuing dreams and goals with friends are incompatible to that of teachers.
Proof reading 할 때 단어사용 확실하게 체크 해 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. Persuing이 아니라 pursuing 입니다. 그리고 guitarlist가 아니고 guitarist 에요. 이런 자잘한 단어실수 없게 다시한번 proof reading 해 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 두번째 이유를 서술한 paragraph에서 together 이라는 단어가 너무 반복적으로 사용되고 있습니다. 같은 단어나 표현을 너무 반복 하는 것도 좋지 않아요.