> > 2013-08-09 13:23:51, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic :
성공을 하고 싶다면 많은 능력을 개발하는 것이 하나의 능력에 집중하는 것 보다 낫다.
선생님, 첨삭 감사합니당..ㅎ근데 저 좀.. 결론이 좀 빈약한거 같아요 ㅠ;;ㅋㅋ 요약해서 한문장 적고, 마무리 문장 적는다고들 하는데.. 마무리문장이 잘 생각이 안나네용 ㅠ tip이 있으시다면 좀.. 가르쳐 주세요 ㅎㅎ
오늘도 완전 무덥네요 ㅠ 감솨합니다 ^^ | |
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▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that the person who has one strength success succeed (success는 명사입니다. 동사인 succeed가 맞는 표현이에요) in the society since they could work out even difficult problems. However, as far as I’m am (에세이에서 줄임표현은 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) concerned, having many skills would be better for two reasons: to adapt to the fast-changing modern society, and to have bigger success.
Concentrating on developing only one skill leads people to deteriorate in modern era. This is because in modern society, a lot of jobs emerge and disappear; become promising and unpopular every day. Thus, with employing only one skill, people have possibility to undergo hard time to keep their standard of living, and even to make their living lives (lives라는 명사를 두고 굳이 living이라는 대명사를 쓸 필요가 없을거 같습니다) according to how the trend of society come to shift. For example, my father was a boxer when he was young. Of course, he tried to be a good athlete, but he also thought he could not live as a boxer until 40s. and Therefore he (문장이 너무 길어질수 있습니다. 한번 끊어 가주시는게 좋을거 같습니다.) started to study English and management. He was named as a manager of for many boxers since the president acknowledged his ability to manage and encourage others as well as his English speaking skills. If he had not spent (had had는 문법상 오류는 없지만 반복적으로 보일수 있습니다. 같은 맥락으로 향하는 spent를 써주었습니다.) had not time to study other fields, he would not have become a manager. For several years, he worked as for this job; however, he realized that boxing would not be so popular in the future, and began to study accounting. After he quitted his job, he became a wholesale person dealing with cooking oil. Based on his endurance and ability to persuading others, which had been developed when he was working as a manager, he worked so hard. In the end, he became a man who sells the most amount of (most에 amount of라는 의미도 포괄되어 있습니다.) cooking oil in the city where he lives and other states around it, and he won prizes from the main office several times. Unless he didn’t not study and developed many skills, he could never prepare for the future and achieve such accomplishments.
Also, Moreover, the people who have many skills are likely to be more successful. There is a phrase stating saying (구절을 의미하는 phrase를 썼습니다. 단순히 saying 이라고 하는것은 약간 캐쥬얼한 느낌이 있어요) “To dig deeper, you have to dig more (deeper이기 때문에 more widely가 더 어울릴것 같습니다.) widely”. This means that if you want to be more professional, you should study other fields as well. Since there is no job and part which only need only one ability or skill; moreover, in addition, sometimes only knowing even related fields as well let us work out the problems, this proverb shows the importance of learning related fields. In 2002, according to the survey conducted by the Ministry of Knowledge Economy of Korea, 75 percent of so called successful people of each field is likely to have mastered at least two foreign languages, and to have (앞선 구절에 to have가 이미 있기에 생략 가능합니다.) other degrees that are (접속사를 이용해 degrees를 꾸며주시는게 올바른 표현이 됩니다.) not same with their original majors. In this sense, drilling other skills as well which would be helpful to your career is strongly recommendable fact. thing.
To sum up, living in fast-changing society, we need to study diverse fields and cultivate many skills in order to adapt to the altering trend and survive, and from exercising and developing other skills as well, we can have competitive power.
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안녕하세요! 에세이 잘 읽었습니다.
글쓴 분께서 걱정하신 마무리 문단은 나쁘지 않아요 ^^
임팩트 있는 마무리 문장이 연결되어 있기에 그렇게 느껴지신거 같아요.
두 문장으로 나눠주신다면 더 괜찮을것 같기도 하네요 =)
마무리 문장에 팁을 드리자면 글쓰신 분께서 생각하는 주제와 반대되는 주제 (여기선 한가지 스킬을 판다는 주제가 되겠죠 ^^)를 띄어주지만, 글쓴 분께서 생각하는 주제가 더 좋다는 식으로 문장을 써주시는 것이 한 방법이 되겠습니다.
예를 들면 "한가지 스킬을 파는 것도 그만의 장점이 있지만, 전체적인 사회와 생활에 비교했을때, 많은 스킬을 습득하는 것이 더 도움이 된다" 이정도? 가 되겠네요
그 외에 문법상 오류는 빨간 글씨로 고쳐드린 설명 읽어보시고 체크해보세요 수고 많으셨습니다
화이팅하세요! ^^