High school students should be allowed to choose some of their claases
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There is an argument over whether high school student should be allowed to choose some of their classes. Some people may agree with the idea that it is beneficial to improve their academic achievement. My view, however, is that 쉼표삭제 high school should regulate students' right to choose their academic courses. This is largely because students are not knowledgeable about their classes. Moreover, it is a waste of school budget.
To begin with, high school students cannot understand their academic courses' outline at first. It is a well-known fact that most of students have a hard time selecting their classes in early semester, especially freshmen. This is because they do not have sufficient information about their classes. 학생들이 수업에 대한 충분한 정보나 지식이 없다는 진술도 좋지만, 더 나아가서 수업에 대한 정보가 없기 때문에 스스로에게 맞는(적절한) 수업을 제대로 고를 능력이 없다는 부분까지 연결지어주는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요. 도움이 되는 수업을 들어야 하는데 단순히 재미있어 보이는 수업을 고른다거나 잘 알지 못하는 수업을 무턱대고 골래서 학업에 오히려 방해될 수 있으니까 학생들이 고르게 해서는 안 된다, 하는 흐름이 더 자연스럽지요. In my case, when I was in high school, I also had a difficulty with in scheduling my classes. As I was freshmen, I could not appreciate all of my academic lessons as well as teachers. For this reason, I felt the need to consult with an academic advisor and my friends. Had it not been for their help, I would have had a hard time in choosing my class. As the example shows, it seems clear that allowing students to select their courses is totally inefficient. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 주장을 다시 강조하면서 마무리한 부분도 좋습니다.
Furthermore, as far as school's budget is concerned, permitting students to opt their classes is a waste of expenditure. Generally, the budget of school is limited and confined. Therefore, if schools school provide their pupil with opportunities to select their classes, it would cause financial problem related to a shortage short of budget. 학생들에게 수업을 고를 기회를 주면 왜 예산문제가 생기는지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. 단순히 예산이 한정되어 있어서가 아니라 한정된 예산으로 여러 가지의 수업을 개설해야 하기 때문에 예산부족문제가 생기는 것이지요. 금전적으로 비효율적이라는 idea자체는 아주 좋습니다. According to a study conducted by the Ministry of Education of Korea department of Education, more than two-thirds of the surveyed school administration mentioned that they had a trouble related to connected with control controlling their money. This is because they gave students autonomy to choose their courses. As a result, they had to open classes more than before over with the intention of satisfying their students disciple. However, students were separated respectively in classes, which is why it was not productive for both school and students. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. body1의 마무리처럼 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
To sum up, I firmly argue that high school should offer their students some mandatory courses on the grounds that almost most students cannot understand their classes at first. Additionally, providing obligatory courses is are more economical and more profitable for school. Of course, the right of students plays a important role in improving their academic accomplishment. But, it cannot exceed the importance of mandatory courses.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 이를 논증으로 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리가 빠지지 않도록 <왜, 어떻게 그런지>에 대한 설명이 충분히 되어 있는지에 점검하면서 내용구성해주세요. 수일치 표현 부분에서 문법오류가 종종 보이고 오탈자나 어색한 단어사용 등이 눈에 띄니 작문할 때 유의해주세요. 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주시기 바랍니다^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!