▶ Your Answer :
For some people, a university would be nothing more than a place where people enter with the sole purpose of studying. It might have been a true in the past, but nowadays, such a view is too narrow to explain the diverse roles that university plays; it is not a place whose purpose is just to provide lectures and classrooms anymore. Rather, it is a place where people from various regions come together and forge a social relationship with one another. Needless to say, sports facilities are a socially important place. (글쓴이는 대학은 공부만 하러 가는 것이 아니기 때문에 스포츠도 support 해야한다고 했지만 도서관에서 공부만 하는 것도 아니고 운동을 major 로 하는 사람은 운동도 공부이기 때문에 약간 문제를 완벽하게 답하고 계시진 않습니다. 운동을 support 하면 좋은 이유 (학생들의 life quality 가 증가)
같은 이유를 더 설명하시고, 사람들이 대학을 왜 가는지에 대한 설명을 줄이셔야 할 거 같습니다.)
To begin with, it is not too much to say that no facility in university other than sports clubs offers students a better chance to meet other people and make friends without much effort. People form close friendships with others while participating in group sports game since it requires cooperation and interaction; even one-on-one sports offers a chance to make bilateral conversation and competition. For example, when I first set foot in the university, I didn't have any friends except those from my region. However, by joining sports clubs and playing soccer with colleagues and upper-class students who I didn't know at that time, I came to become their friend and have maintained such a relationship , even though most of us don't belong to the same department. (아주 잘 쓰시는군요. 문법도 거의 정확하고, 어려운 고급 phrases 들을 많이 쓰시네요. 하지만 글쓴이의 example 에 대한 설명과 글쓴이가 얻은 benefit 을 더 설명하면 아주 강한 argument 를 펼칠 수 있을 거 같네요.)
Secondly, sports activities provide a chance to promote students' physical health. As people have developed a sedentary life style thanks in large part to the remarkable development of computer technology, they spend most of their time while sitting on a chairs than they did previously. University students, of course, are not an exception. If universities spend much money on sports and promote it more than ever, however, the number of students suffering ailments caused by the lack of exercise will significantly decline. For instance, I was overweight when I first went to my high school. However, after the school founded a basketball court on the corner of the school's field, I have lost much of my weight by playing basketball. If the school haven't built the court, I wouldn't have been able to reduce my weight successfully. (글쓴이께서는 표현을 아주 잘하시지만 설명을 너무 길게 하시는 느낌이 나내요. 글이 더 간결하고 설명을 simple 하게 하면 점수가 확 올라갈 거 같습니다. Plural 이랑 article 조심하시고요)
To sum it all up, schools including universities exist not just for academics but for other areas as well. On top of that, society doesn't want those spending their time only in the library any more. That being the case, it is desirable to spend as much money on sports as school libraries. (위와 달리 conclusion 은 아주 간결해서 강한 느낌이 나네요. 시간이 남으셨으면 요기에 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 를 설명하고 그것을 반박하면 더 강해질 거 같네요.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
25
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주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
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그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
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설명이 매우 길다
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Conclusion 에도 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 에 대해 mention 하지 않았다.,
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영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
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그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 시간을 더 가지시고 essay 를 plan 하세요
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에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
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가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
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수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이었습니다 :)
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