Movies and televisions should always show audience that good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may think that all movies and television programs should include contents that show justice. However, they fail to consider the maladies of making all contents to show rewarded good people and punished bad people. Thus, I strongly disagree with those people and think that not all movies or television programs need to show justice.
To begin with, it will be boring if all movies and television programs always include the contents about rewarded good people and punished bad people. In the real world, the justice does not always win against the evil. Since all people know this aspect of real society, they will not be able to feel empathy from the idealized situations or stories in the movies or television programs. Also, movies and television programs will be boring since the plot will be easily predicted. Knowing that the good side will eventually win, the conclusion of movies or television programs can be easily anticipated. 쉽게 결말을 예측할 수 있어서 재미없고 현실과 달라서 공감하기 어렵다는 설명이 좋습니다. idea와 논리적인 흐름이 잘 연결되어 있습니다. In a recent survey that was made by the Korean Movie Association, it was revealed that over 80 percent of people feel boring if the plot of a movie can be easily anticipated. This says why movies and television programs will be boring if all contents are related to justice. 사례 내용을 주장과 연결지어 마무리한 부분이 좋습니다.
In addition, if all movies and television programs show good people win, young students will not be able to prepare for the real world. Young students tend to believe the contents in TV programs or movies. Thus, if all contents imply or show that justice is pervasive in the real society, students may believe it and become naive. This is definitely not helpful for to them to prepare to live in the society as adults. It is because students should be strong to accept the truth that the society is not always fair. 적절한 논리와 설명입니다. 세상이 꼭 권선징악의 원리로만 돌아가지는 않는다는 기본적인 전제사항을 공유하면서 두 body의 idea는 겹치지 않도록 구분지은 점도 좋은 것 같아요. According to a research that was conducted by the Ministry of Education in Korea, more than half of students surveyed told that they thought think the real society was is similar to the society in TV dramas. 조사했을 당시 그렇게 생각한다고 응답한 것이므로 시제를 맞춰주는 편이 좋습니다. This indicates why including justice in all movies or television programs can be a malady. malice. 이 예증 자료의 경우에는 보완 설명이 좀 더 필요할 것 같아요. 실제 사회와 드라마의 세상을 비슷하게 여긴다는 점에 이어서, 이렇게 생각하는 학생들에게 좋은 것들만 무조건 보여주면 이들이 사회에 나가서 겪을 좌절감은 정말 클 것이고 적응하는 데 어려움을 겪을 것이다, 하는 식으로 main idea와의 연결고리를 만들어주세요.
In sum, despite although some people may think that it is beneficial to show justice in movies or TV programs only, I strongly disagree with them. At first watch, this opinion seems a good idea. However, there are bad aspects and people who can ignore these maladies malice will argue that all movies and TV programs should show rewarded good people and punished evil ones.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 입장을 뒷받침하기 위해 사용된 idea의 타당성이나 논리적인 설명이 모두 매끄럽게 연결되어 있습니다. 사례 내용을 main idea와 연결짓는 부분을 좀 더 보완하는 부분이나 문법오류 및 단어 선택오류만 좀 더 신경써주시면 될 것 같아요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!