Do you agree or disgaree witht he following statement? Universities and high schools should teach studnets about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
I think it is a good idea ideat that schools can offer specific career programs instead of general subjects. It can have positive effect on for student in terms of finding to find their aptitute and preparing prepare their future job earlier.
First of all, vocational education educationl would help students find their talent earlier. By attending career education, they can figure out what types of jobs are suitable to them, as a future job. Then, children might not waste time concerninng what to do later, and also they jut can develop their talent or skills at an early age. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. Here, I have a friend myself, who graduated from an ordinary high school, which teaches mainly general subjects and focuses focuse on having havinng students prepare preparing university admission test. Actually, he was admitted admit by the university to major in physics. , however, However, finally, he changed his major to English literature. If he had could have participated in vocational education while he was in highschool or earlier, he might not have have not needed to "detour" to find his job. From his example, I realized the importance of career experience. 전공을 바꾸게 된 경우는 '직업 적성'과는 크게 관련이 없어보입니다. '직업'과 관련한 자신의 적성과 연관된 사례를 제시하는 편이 더 좋을 것 같아요.
In addition, career-education programs can help their children prepare for future careers at an early age. If students can learn practical skills from their early age throughout professional eudcation program, this will help them succeed more quickly in their future careers. 주장이 너무 포괄적입니다. 적성을 잘 알게 되어서 좋다는 body1의 idea처럼 좀 더 구체적인 내용을 제시해주세요. 직업 교육을 미리 받으면 구체적으로 future career를 잘 쌓을 수 있는지에 대한 설명을 보완해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. I would like to take an example of Lionel Messi, who could get soccer-oriented education in youth soccer team 쉼표삭제 from his early age. He could discover his god-given talent faster and succeeded in his career at his early age. If he should had have taken only general subejct class, equally to the other students, he could not have accomplished his legend which where he won Ballon d'or at 22 years old and became famous as one of the world best soccer player. 특화된 교육을 통해 적성을 미리 발견하고 길렀다는 점은 body1과 큰 차이가 없습니다. 좀 더 body1과 뚜렷하게 구분되는 내용이 제시되는 것이 좋습니다.
To sum up, schools that teach students about specific careers can help students find their job earlier and prepare for it better. For these two reasons, I strongly believe that universities and high schools should teach studnets about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
기본적인 내용 방향 자체는 적절합니다. '주장'의 형태로 내용을 다듬고 설명과 사례 내용이 주제와 연관성을 드러낼 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 두 문단의 내용이 비슷하다는 느낌이 들지 않도록 구분하는 부분도 신경써주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!