Students should be required to participate in extracurricular activities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There might be some people who believe that students don’t have to participate in extracurricular activities. However, I strongly disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First of all, students can relieve stress. Second, they can receive well balanced education.
To begin with, if students participate in extracurricular activities, they can reduce their stress. Most students these days are very busy with their study in school so they don’t have time to relive stress, which make them to study, which makes them weak to study. However, extracurricular activities can offer students interesting time. '어떻게 효과적으로 스트레스를 풀어주는지'에 대한 설명이 제시되어야 합니다. 즐겁다는 마무리 대신에 구체적으로 과외활동이 스트레스를 풀어주는지 설명 보완해주세요. Let me bring up my personal event as an example. When I was in high school, I was always busy with my work and I didn’t have to time to exercise. It made me angry because I really liked exercise. However I could get time to exercise by taking extracurricular activities such as physical education physic class so I could reduce my stress. Had it not been for extracurricular activities, I would have been be full of stress and I it wouldn’t study have studied better. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Secondly, students can receive well balanced education by participating extracurricular activities. Extracurricular activities are related to moral, ethic. 모든 교외활동이 윤리와 관련된 것이 아니기 때문에 논리가 어색해집니다. 수업시간에 배우지 못하는 다른 것들을 배울 수 있다는 점을 설명할 수 있게끔 다듬어주세요. Students can find one’s aptitude and specific major during taking those classes and it can help them get jobs. 과외활동으로 적성을 찾고 직업을 구하는 데 도움이 된다는 점도 논점에 맞지 않습니다. main idea에서 제시한대로 '균형잡힌 교육'을 받을 수 있다는 점에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주세요. According to the research done by Seoul University study team concern with extracurricular activities, 80% of the students said that they could get well balanced education by taking extracurricular activities. This clearly shows that extracurricular activities offer students diverse education. 사례 내용도 더 구체화해주세요. '80%학생들이 그렇다더라'라는 자료만으로 설득력을 갖기는 어렵습니다.
In conclusion, students not only reduce their stress but also receive well balanced education by taking extracurricular activities. For these reasons, I personally believe that students should be required to participate in extracurricular activities.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
기본적인 idea는 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절합니다. 글을 전개하는 과정에서 흐름이 어긋나지 않도록 유의해주세요. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!