Improving schools is the best way to advance a country.
*진하게 표시한 부분은
제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of
discussion at hand is whether printed one will be replaced in class or not. The
answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individuals'
perspectives. Thus, jury
still may be out. As far
as I am concerned, I totally agree with the statement that printed one will be
covered by electronic materials within 20 years.
jury still may be out 이 문장이 조금 어색하게 들리네요. 이
문장 대신 조금 더 쉽고 명백하게 쓰시는 걸 추천합니다.
To begin with, in the 1990s, Korea has (과거에 일어난 일이니깐
has 빼주세요) witnessed a severe economy
crisis and should ( 여기선 should 보단 had to가 더 낳습니다) depend
financially on International Monetary Fund(IMF). At that time, our country
Korea was really so bad off that people was (were) busy solving problem
like cloth, food, shelter the necessities of life than caring for children's
education. ( more busy solving
problems related to their basic necessities, such as cloth, food and shelter
than caring for children's education) However, with the economic condition
getting better, many people has (have) now (taken much) interest in
education methods rather than (they did) before. Education methods have developed, focused (focusing) on finding
better and more effective methods for students. The Korean education system is
now experiencing huge changes for the same purpose. In the traditional class,
the role of teachers was only presenting or pouring a bunch of knowledge and
information, and students should (had to) be careful
listeners with full of attention but with no active participation. However, now
the temperature is changing, and students are joining more class activities
with active participation. This change is extolled by many experts in education
field, since the change has shown more active attention and interest in class
among students.
In the aspect of class materials, changes are occurring as well.
In order for students to have better understanding and for teachers to deliver
knowledge in more effective ways, advanced, various materials have started to
be used. With many advantages of more developed technology, many students are
now using tablet PC rather than a bunch of books or paper materials in class.
Besides, under the governmental supports, not
a few(? increasing number
of) schools
are being supported and recommended to establish digitalized educational system
in class. These trends clearly show what could be the picture of the changes of
class in 20 years.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제
파악 effectiveness
in addressing the task
적절한
설명 appropriate
explanation
적절한
예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate
exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한
단어 구사 syntactic
variety
적절한
단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word
choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30
score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
일단 에세이의 기본인 기승전결이 되어있지 않아서 아쉽네요. 언어적인 부분과 내용 모두 다 좋았는데 에세이 길이가 짧고 겨우 2문단 밖에 없으니 감점이 많이 된 듯 싶네요. 만약 여기서 길이와 제가 첨삭해 드린 부분들만 고치시면 20대 중반 정도 받으실 거라 예상합니다. 그럼 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!