Businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
People have different opinions on whether business should hire employees for their entire lives. I disagree that hiring employees for their entire lives is necessary for business. First, employees will not make an effort to develop. Second, young people will have less opportunity to work, which is unfair.
Most of all, hiring employees for their entire lives will make them stay in the present without trying to develop themselves. Employees who have stable job situation do not need to worry about being fired firing and this will lead them to be lazy. People tend to work hard and try to develop themselves when they meet a competition. If businesses guarantee employees’ job stability condition, '근무조건' 대신 '직업 안정성'과 같은 표현이 적절할 것 같아요. 전하고자 하는 내용이 명확하게 전달될 수 있도록 어휘 선택에 신경써주세요. employees will not work hard and this is not any help for business success. Business should have hiring system that can fire employees who do not make any achievement. Then workers will work seriously and make useful idea or learn various skills such as computer or presentation skill. 평생직장이 오히려 직원들을 안일하게 만들어서 생산성이 떨어진다는 식의 흐름이 적절합니다. For example, my uncle’s company is famous for Information Technology. He always says that the biggest reason for success is making employees compete be competitive with each other. 잘 한 직원을 칭찬하고 그렇지 못한 직원을 얼마든지 자를 수 있다는 내용이므로 사원들끼리 서로 '경쟁하는' 시스템이라 표현하기는 어색한 것 같아요. The company has an extremely strict system that can fire a worker who doesn’t make any good output. But also the company has a system that provides lots of incentives for a worker who contributes a lot to for the company’s success. The company will not be successful success without this system. This proves that guaranteeing employees’ job condition is not good for employees and businesses.
Furthermore, young people will have no spaces to for work if business hires employees for their entire lives. Hiring employees and keeping them for a long time causes less turn over. Who will quit their jobs when the company guarantees their jobs and pays regularly especially when economic situation is bad? Nowadays, economic situation is not good so getting a job is tougher. This is unfair for young people. 젊은이들이 일할 공간이 줄어든다는 논리 자체가 틀린 것은 아니지만, 이 내용이 '설득력'을 가질 수 있게끔 내용을 더 보완해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 젊은 인재들을 놀게 만드는 게 국가적 손해라거나, 생산인구의 순환이 일어나야 국가가 발전한다거나 하는 식으로 논지를 좀 더 강화해보면 좋을 것 같아요. 현재 내용만으로는 젊은이들을 위해 기존 직원을 해고해서 일자리를 만들어야 한다는 식의 비약으로 연결될 가능성이 있지요. For example, there is a company which hires employees for their entire lives near my community. Some of my friends wanted to enter this company after graduation, but the company didn’t have any job opening because no employees wanted to quit their jobs. My friends were very disappointed but they couldn’t do anything. Business should give chances to young people to start works. This demonstrates that hiring employees for their whole life employees is not a good idea.
In conclusion, I disagree that business should hire employees for their entire lives for the reasons I have mentioned above. First, hiring employees for their entire lives will make them stay in the present without trying to develop themselves. Second, young people will have no spaces to for work if business hires employees for their entire lives. 결론에서 내용을 갈무리할 때 같은 문장을 반복하기보다는 단어를 다양하게 활용해주세요.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
기본적인 idea는 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절합니다. 논지를 강화할 수 있는 부분들을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 표현 상의 오류나 겹치는 단어 사용에 유의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!