It is better to work alone through computer or telephone than to work with others at compaines
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days, some peple take it for granted that it is better to work alone through computer or telephone due to its convenience. However, contrary to this idea, I strongly believe tha it is better to work with others at compaines. The rationale behind this is that working with others at work helps people broaden their perpective and maintain their mental health.
First of all, working with others at companies can encourage people broaden their perpective. This is mainly because we can readily be exposed to various kinds of the study or field while interacting or socializing with others at work who have different interests, majors and talents. Therefore, we can take a quantum leap in interllectual growth thanks to company collegues. In other words, we will be more likely to get a variety of perspective of problem-solving skills in the company with our collegues. 적절한 내용의 idea와 설명입니다. From my experience, when I took a project in my company, I worked with my collegues who have different majors and come from different departments in the company. As a result, I could learn about a wide variety of perspective to approach problems of the project. The reason is that I could talk talked about the opinions of the problems, share shares their ideas and discuss the problem with them. If I had worked without any other help from collegues, I would have stuck to my own narrow view on the various problems. 적절한 사례입니다. "이 사례가 보여주듯 혼자 일하는 것보다 여럿이 일하는 것이 시야를 넓히는 데 도움이 된다."하는 식으로 주장을 강조하는 형태로 마무리하면 unity와 coherence를 높일 수 있으니 참고하세요.
Moreover, working with collegues keeps one's their mental health. The numerous studies demonstrate that human being is a social animal who need a sense of beloning. People feel They are comfortable and secured when they are loved and bonded with others in everywhere including the company. 설명 요소들을 묶어서 논제에 대한 나의 입장으로 연결할 수 있게끔 내용을 보완해주세요. 사람이 사회적 동물이고 회사에서도 소속감을 느끼는 게 좋다는 설명이 '정신건강'과 어떤 연관성이 있는지, '사람들과 함께 일하는 것'과 어떤 연결이 있는지를 보여줄 수 있어야 합니다. 혼자 일하기보다 여럿이 일하면 어떤 집단에 속해 있다는 소속감이 커지고 이로 인해 사람들이 정신적 안정감을 느낄 수 있어 좋다, 하는 식으로 연결고리를 생각해볼 수 있겠지요. For example, when I failed to complete my project in my company and I felt very frustrated, my collegues sincerly comforted me. As a result, I could forget the failure and felt happy and tried to challenge my work again thanks to my colleges by listening to me, sharing my problems, telling me their time of hardship and giving givin me a warm hug. If I had worked alone then, I would not have overcome overcame the time of hardship. 어려움을 극복할 수 있었다는 사례 내용은 '정신건강'과는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 문단의 unity가 맞아떨어지도록 사례 내용을 주장과 연결해서 보완해주세요.
In conclusion, without any doubts, I prefer to work with others at compaines. The reason is that working with others at work helps people broaden their perpective and maintain their mental health.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–25)
서론에서 제시한 기본적인 idea는 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절합니다. 글을 전개하는 과정에서 흐름이 어긋나지 않도록 유의해주세요. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!