A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
A thought-provoking current issue is concerned with concerns the way people work. These days, some people take it for granted that high salary is the most important thing to their lives. However, contrary to this opinion, I strongly believe that having leisure time is essential for modern people. The fundamental reason behind this is that having vacation time helps people to work more efficiently and relieve relieved from stress.
First of all, having vacation time makes people less stressful. Unlike in the past, people these days have lots of tasks in their companies so that they are not healthy. 건강하지 않은 것과 휴가를 가야 스트레스를 적게 받는 것 사이에는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 구체적으로 휴가가 왜 스트레스를 풀어주는지, 이것이 왜 중요한지를 연관지어 설명해주세요. From my experience, when I was in high school, I was always tired and sleepy. My father suggested suggests that we go to Australia for 5 days. And then, I could have leisure time by seeing beautiful scenes and knowing different cultures. After returning to Korea, I became very energetic and positive mind. It showed that having vacation time makes people healthier than in the past. 문제가 묻는 부분이 단순히 '휴가의 장점'이 아니기 때문에 '휴가를 더 주는 직업이 낫다'는 나의 입장과 연결해줄 수 있는 사례를 제시해주는 편이 좋습니다.
On top of that, having vacation time helps people to work better and to have good ideas. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. 휴가가 왜 일을 더 잘 할 수 있게 도와주는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. A recent study conducted by Seoul National University found some interesting results in 2011. According to the study, people who have more vacation time are better to work than people who do not use their time in a vacation. And the study also showed that people can get more ideas and solutions to their problems when they have vacation time. This result indicates that having vacation time is very useful for people to work.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I am convinced that having vacation time is necessary for people to live in busy days. This is because people can maintain their mental health and it is important that vacation time helps people to work and study in a good way.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (12–17)
스트레스를 적게 받고 더 능률적으로 일할 수 있다는 idea자체는 적절합니다. 다만 이 내용이 '논제에 대한 답변'으로 연결될 수 있을만한 설명과 사례 내용이 더 improve되어야 합니다. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 내용을 더 보완하신다면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!