Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
People have different opinions about whether a traditional house is better to live in than a modern apartment building. I disagree that living in a traditional house is better than living in a modern apartment building. First, I will have a convenient life when I live in a modern apartment building. Second, living in a modern apartment building gives an opportunity to make a good relationship with other tenants.
Most of all, living in a modern apartment is convenient. Most modern apartments are equipped with new furniture compared to comparing to a traditional house. The building is also cleaner than a traditional house. A traditional house was usually was built a long time ago, so most of facilities are possibly old. 가구가 새 것이고 시설이 깨끗한 것과 '편리함'이 무슨 연관이 있는지 설명이 필요합니다. 기본적으로 '더 편리해서 좋다'라는 idea는 아주 좋지만 결과적으로 설명 내용들이 <아파트에 사는 게 더 좋다>라는 나의 입장으로 연결될 수 있어야 합니다. 새 건물이 다 새것이라 좋다는 설명보다 오래된 집의 단점을 설명하면 더 쉽게 내용을 만들 수 있을 것 같아요. For example, I moved to a modern apartment building last week. Before the moving, I lived in a traditional house. After spending some time times in the apartment, I found out that my life has got gets more convenient because of the new apartment. I was struggling struggle with living in a traditional house because it smelled bad and the light usually turned off. I am satisfied with my new and clean place now. It demonstrates that I have more convenient life after moving to the apartment. 적절한 사례입니다. 집이라는 공간은 사람이 편하게 지내기 위한 곳이므로 편한 것이 중요하다는 식의 전제사항을 넣어서 논지를 강조하는 부분도 참고해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
Furthermore, I can make social network with more people who live in the a same apartment building. as me. Chances to meet other people will be increased if I live in a modern apartment building as I come and out the building. "공동주택에는 많은 사람들이 살기 때문에" 라는 설명이 있으면 좋을 것 같아요. 또한 오가면서 많은 사람들과 친하게 지낼 수 있다는 사실이 '왜 장점인지'에 대한 설명(아래 밑줄 친 내용)이 사례 뒷부분이 아니라 사례 이전에 먼저 제시되는 편이 더 좋습니다. For example, I met great people in my new apartment. I and other tenants went shopping together and visited each other’s place often. I don’t need to worry about to go going far away to meet others because everyone who lives in the a same apartment live lives close. We have a meeting once a month to discuss about the condition of the building. In this meeting, I have a chance to meet all people who live in the building and I always enjoy talking to them. However, I could not meet others well when I lived in a traditional house before. It was hard to meet people. Sharing the same building is a good factor to get closer with people who live in the a same space. Making a relationship with others helps me to broad my perspective, too. I am able to meet various people who have different experience and it helps me to improve myself. I can understand others better. It shows that living in a modern apartment building is a wonderful way to make social network.
In conclusion, I disagree that living in a traditional house is better than living in a modern apartment building for the reasons I have mentioned above. First, living in a modern apartment is convenient. Second, I can make social network with more people who live in the a same apartment building as me.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
공동주택이 더 편리해서 좋다거나 인간관계가 넓어져서 좋다는 idea자체는 아주 좋습니다. 이에 대한 설명이 설득력있게 연결될 수 있도록 보완해주시고 사례 내용도 주제와의 연관성을 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!