It is more important to teach self-confidence than to teach specialized knowledge.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in current society what to teach has a tremendous importance important in our lives. Some people side with teaching self-confidence than specialized knowledge, while others do not. I however, believe that it is better for students to learn self-confidence. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument, so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic: success and stress.
First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that people who have specialized knowledge are more likely to achieve success. It is no secret that there typically exist traits that help successful people get ahead of the game. Thus it can be said that it is more important for teachers to teach specialized knowledge, because students will obtain the extensive expertise that is are necessary to succeed. 서론에서 제시한 나의 입장과 다릅니다. 서론에서 자존감을 가르치는 것이 더 중요하다는 입장을 제시한 반면 현재 본론에서는 specialized knowledge를 옹호하는 입장을 보이고 있으므로 글 전체의 일관성이 맞지 않지요. 입장을 정하고 그에 맞는 내용으로 재구성해주세요. 주장과 설명으로 이어지는 흐름 자체는 적절합니다. A really good example can be seen in Mark Kim, the CEO of MK Corporation. I read online that learning specialized knowledge played an integral role in his accomplishment. accomplishing person. He, utilizing expert knowledge, became one of the top earners in his highly competitive field. In one of his interviews, he could learn specialized knowledge of English from his English teacher when he was in high school, which enabled him to have opportunity to enter college which was specialized in English. At As a result, he majored in English literature in college and had a chance to gain deeper understanding of the English. This helped him to have differentiated ideas from his competitors while making one of the most successful English books book that ever made in his country. This example clearly shows that leaning specialized knowledge is more important because of success. 사례 내용이 불필요하게 길다는 느낌이 듭니다. 표현상의 겹치는 부분이나 불필요하게 반복되는 내용들을 정리해서 입증하려고 하는 부분이 잘 드러나게끔 다듬어주세요.
Second, another reason which supports my point is that teachers are already stressed out due to the excessive demand of life. Most often, too much on one’s plate, no matter how small it may be, tends to lead anxiety. Thus, teachers should not be required to teach self-confidence because they will receive additional stress otherwise. This reminds me of a the time when I was a teacher in high school. The fact that I had to teach self-confidence definitely added to my struggle against with stress. I encouraged my students to instill self-confidence by helping them to develop their strength. strengths. At the same time I felt irritable and had sleepless worrying about stdudents' student’s academic academy performance, relationship, and money. There were times when I could not sleep for 2 months due to insomnia. Unlike specialized knowledge, I didn’t learn how to give self-confidence in college. Having to worry about constantly teaching self-confidence didn’t help alleviate feeling under pressure at all. As my experience shows, teaching self-confidence is less important because of stress. 논점이 명확하지 않습니다. 선생님들이 가르치는 덕목 중 어떤 것에 더 비중을 두어야 하는가에 대한 질문이지, 지식 외에 자신감까지 가르치도록 하는 것에 대해 어떻게 생각하는지를 묻는 질문이 아닙니다. 선생님들이 스트레스를 받는다는 설명은 학생들에게 어떤 덕목을 가르치는 것이 더 중요한지에 대한 답변이 될 수 없습니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 적절한 idea로 문단 재구성해주세요.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have adequately and sufficiently explained my position on the matters regarding this topic.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
글을 전개하는 과정에서 흐름이 어긋나지 않도록 유의해주세요. 논제가 묻는 내용을 정확히 해석한 뒤에 그 내용에 대한 답변이 될 수 있게끔 내용을 구성하는 것이 중요합니다. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!