Technology designed to make people’s life simpler often turned out to make people’s lives more complicated. Do you agree?
 

*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^

In the 1990s, Korea witnessed a severe economic crisis and had to depend financially on International Monetary Fund(IMF). At that time, our country Korea was really so bad that people were busy solving problem related to their basic necessities, such as clothes, food and shelter rather than convenience in daily life. However, with the economic economy condition getting better, technology gradually advanced and made our life more convenient. This cannot be ignored but to some extent I am of the opinion that technology makes our society more complicated. This issue will be discussed based on two perspectives: there are so many accidents by development of technology and, such development made our society more desolate.  서론이 불필요하게 깁니다. 현재 주제가 IMF와 크게 연관성을 갖는 부분도 없기 때문에 intro에 IMF를 굳이 소개할 필요는 없어보입니다. 외워놓은 source를 활용하실 때 주제와 큰 관련이 없다면 굳이 사용하지 않는 편이 더 낫습니다.

서론에서는 간단하게 주제와 나의 입장, 이유를 소개하는 정도로만 제시하면 됩니다. 기본적으로 본론과 서론의 분량이 비슷한 경우 글의 균형이 맞지 않으므로 가급적 서론과 본론의 비율은 적어도 1:2를 유지할 수 있게끔 분량 조절해주세요. 서론과 결론은 점수에 거의 영향을 미치지 않으므로 시간을 많이 들이지 않고 본론에 시간을 많이 투자해서 논리적인 흐름을 만들 수 있도록 시간배분 하는 것이 좋습니다.

First of all, many problems have been made by advance of technology. In other words, our society is facing so many side effects of on technology. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. 기술발전으로 인해 왜, 어떻게 문제가 되는지를 분명히 밝혀서 "그러므로 기술발전은 때로 삶을 더 복잡하게 만든다"라는 입장으로 연결할 수 있는 연결고리를 제시해주세요. The prime example to illustrate this question is Korea’s Dae-gu subway disaster in 2006. It is called the worst incident of Korea in the twenty-first twenties-one century. In my memory, the day was very hot summer day. In On the subway train, there were so many people because it was closing time. Suddenly a fire broke out and the driver escaped alone with his passengers left. In a few minutes, most of the passengers could not breathe and eventually died. Because of this accident, Korea was filled with grief at that time. There is no doubt that it had lack of the driver’s ability to deal rapid dealing with the accident, but however, it is true that so many people were sacrificed by advance of technology, too. If there were no subway, it would not happen. This clearly proves that many side effects are being faced on our society. 지하철에 불이 난 원인이 지하철의 존재 때문이 아니기 때문에 논리적 비약이 됩니다. 지하철이 없었던 때에도 불로 인한 인명피해는 분명히 있었지요. 기술발전으로 인해 문제가 되었던 사례를 다시 생각해주세요.

Moreover, the more time goes by, the more difficult getting along with family members is difficult. 시간이 흐를수록 가족들이 모이기 어렵다는 내용만으로는 '기술발전'과의 관련성을 보여주기 어렵습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 idea로 다듬어주세요. That is to say, by development of technology conversation time between family members it has become shortened conversation time between family members. 기술발전으로 가족간의 대화가 줄었다는 주장 역시 구체적인 설명 보완이 더 필요합니다. According to the Korea Media Research, up to 90% of the family that have students possessing smart-phone answered that communication between parents and their children communication certainly decreased rather than before after having phones. To come up with an example, I can mention about my brother, Ji-sung, who was eager to possess smart-phone when he was 17 years old. My mother said to him that smart-phone can disturb for students from to studying. Therefore, she could never buy it for him. From then, he did not go to school and started to be rebellious. Eventually, she bought a smart-phone for him and my brother was really pleased pleasant with having that. However, it was beginning for our family to become unfamiliar. After having a smart phone, he became enthusiastic only in playing game and reduced talking with not only mom, but also me, and 쉼표삭제 father. After all, my mother took the smart-phone from brother and the situation got better soon. Because of the advance of technology like smart-phone, there are so many problems with friends as well. 가족문제에 대해 이야기하고 있으므로 불필요한 문장입니다. As seen this case, technology has increased unfamiliarity between social members.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that advance of technology is bad for our community. Unintended problems were made by advance inconceivably. Plus, society it is getting more difficult for people to getting along with their loved ones. members. So, the answer is very crystal clear. Development of technology makes our life more complex. sophisticated.

주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)

논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task

적절한 설명 appropriate explanation

적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details

일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence

다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety

적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity

Writing 0–30 score scale

Limited (1–16)