How do movies or television influence people's behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion is how people’ act can be are effected by mass media such as movies or television. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on individual point of views. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as i’m concerned, I think that it has they have a negative effect on people’ behavior. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
First, watching movies and television makes make people waste of their time. I guess that all of you have experiences that you give up doing homework or meeting friends because of watching them. Since they are sometimes too so exciting and addictive so that they attract us to want to spend more and more time with them. 시간을 낭비한다는 표현을 'behavior'(행동, 품행, 태도)와 연결하는 것은 다소 어색하다는 느낌이 듭니다. 시간을 낭비하게 만든다는 표현보다 게을러진다, 현실의 일을 소홀히 하게 된다는 식의 표현도 함께 활용해보면 좋을 것 같아요. One of my close friends is best example of it. When I me and my friends had time to spare after the university exam, no one could not find him and know where he was. Most my friends spent spend their time very effectively doing part-time jobs to work for in cafes or restaurants to earn tuition fee and learning learn foreign languages, but we had never heard of his news. And, after three months, we finally met him in front of his home and heard that he had stayed all days at home to watch Japan Drama. I was really shocked because of him because he told us that he felt that the world in the drama is better than real world. 드라마 속의 세상이 현실보다 낫다는 발언에 놀랐던 내용은 사실상 불필요합니다. 미디어로 인해 사람들이 시간을 낭비하게 된다는 부분이므로 친구가 아무 것도 하지 않고 시간을 보내서 실질적으로도 시간을 낭비했다는 부분을 강조하는 편이 더 적절합니다.
Second, some movies and television programs cause excessive consumption. Directors of them are likely to include luxurious and splendid characters and environments in their work place works in order to attract people and from them people are generally compare the characters’ life with their own life. It is sure that they want to live similar life to the one that main characters have live on the drama. Thus, they purchase the clothes that actors wear, cars or houses on them. 좋아보이는 것을 따라 산다는 설명만으로는 '과소비'의 개념을 연결할 수 없습니다. 사람들이 필요 이상으로 사치하게 된다는 논리로 자연스럽게 연결될 수 있게끔 흐름을 다듬어주세요. idea자체는 아주 좋습니다. For example, in my country, if a famous actress women actor wears particular hand bag on drama, it is likely to be sold-out in very short time because women watchers of them directly go to shops to buy them as soon as they find out the name of the model. However, more serious problem is that many young students and workers buy them although they do not have enough money to have them. 사례 내용이 infer하는 점을 더 설명하는 편이 좋습니다. 예를 들어 "능력에 맞지 않는 소비는 결국 과소비가 되고, 이것은 안 좋은 영향임에 틀림없다."하는 식으로 간단한 문장을 덧붙여서 완결성을 높일 수 있습니다.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convicting enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 구성이나 idea들은 모두 좋습니다. 내용 흐름이 논제에 대한 답변으로 자연스럽게 이어지도록 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 문단의 unity와 논제와의 coherence에 초점을 두고 보완하시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^오탈자와 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!