It is more important for the universities to improve the facilities than to hire famous professors.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that the university facilities have a tremendous importance when students attend the university. Some people believe that the universities university should try to hire famous professors rather than improve the facilities such as libraries, computer labs. However, I firmly believe that the university universities have has to enhance the facilities instead of hiring renowned professors. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument. The first reason is that students are able to participate in club activities without trouble. And the second reason is that students are able to get information quickly without asking their friends or professors.
To begin with, the most important reason which supports my position is that students can easily get information that they really want to find only in a few minutes if the university improves improve the facilities like a big library or a computer room. However, if the university prefers hiring famous professors to enhancing the facilities, students will not be willing to go to the facilities since the facilities need to be upgraded. not by focusing on the improvement of the facilities. Thus, students will spend much time getting information because they have no choice but to use their computers at home or ask their friends or professors. 내용이 적용되는 범위가 좁기 때문에 설득력이 약합니다. 대학 시설에 투자해야만 학생들이 정보를 얻을 수 있는 것은 아니고, 정보를 빠르게 얻는 것이 중요하다는 점을 충분히 설득하지 못하고 있으므로 논리가 약한 답변이 됩니다. 포괄적으로 적용할 수 있는 주장이 되도록 발전시켜주세요. 예를 들어 쾌적한 학업분위기를 조성하는 것이 학생들의 학업능력을 높이는 데 더 직접적으로 도움이 되니까 facilities에 투자하는 게 더 중요하다, 하는 식으로 전반적인 학생들의 '학업'을 다루면 좀 더 범위를 넓힐 수 있지요. A good example can be seen in the story of Minho, my friend. Whenever he has a question about his major, he tries try to ask his friends or professors without using a computer in the computer room or reading a book in the library. So, I told him that going to the library or the computer room is better than asking someone. Minho didn’t accept my suggestion because he had already known that the facilities including the library and the computer room were out-of-date before he had a conversation with me. If there were the improved facilities in the university, he would not have difficulty obtaining information about his major. Therefore, it is important for the university to improve the facilities rather than hire renowned professors since students could easily and quickly get information. 현재 사례 내용 역시 시설이 좋지 않아서 불편하다는 점만 보여줄 뿐 대학이 유명한 교수를 채용하는 것보다 시설에 투자하는 것이 더 중요한 이유를 충분히 피력하지는 못합니다. 특정한 상황을 가정하기보다 일반적으로도 적용할 수 있는 논리를 보여주는 것이 좋습니다.
In addition, another important reason which proves my thinking is that students are able to participate in club activities by utilizing the facilities. That’s the reason why Students can have conversations with their club members and relieve stress through club activities. Yet, if the university does not focus on improving the facilities, there can be limitations for students to participate in a club since the facilities will increasingly lag behind. 클럽활동을 하려면 시설에 투자해야 한다는 표현은 어색합니다. 비단 교내시설에 투자하면 할 수 있는 일에 대한 설명이 아니라, 교내시설에 투자하는 것이 교수임용에 투자하는 것보다 더 이점을 많이 가져온다는 입장을 보여주는 것이 더 좋겠지요. 표현을 다듬어서 논제와의 연관성을 잘 보여줄 수 있게끔 수정해주세요. 예를 들어 교내시설에 투자해서 학생들에게 중요한 social skill을 가르칠 수 있으니까 교수임용보다 교내시설 확충이 중요하다거나, 교내시설에 투자해야 학생들이 스트레스 없이 공부할 수 있으니까 중요하다거나 하는 식으로 연결해볼 수 있습니다. This remind reminds me of a time when I was a college student. When I attended the university, I joined a music club since I liked to listen to music and sing a song. Whenever music club members and I had have a rehearsal for the performance, we had to gather outside the university. This is because there were few musical instruments as well as only small rooms in the university for us to participate in club activities. Thus, the university should do its best to improve the facilities so that students are able to participate in a club easily. 마찬가지로 시설이 좋지 않아 클럽활동을 원활하게 하지 못했다는 설명만으로는 '중요성'을 appeal하기 힘듭니다. 주장과 설명을 다듬고 그에 맞게 사례도 수정해주세요.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that universities the university should enhance the facilities instead of hiring famous professors. As I mentioned above, there are two reasons. First of all, students are able to get information quickly. In addition, students can participate in a club without difficulty. Hence improving the facilities should be the higher priority.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–18)
교내시설을 이용해서 할 수 있는 일이 아니라 교내시설이 갖는 중요한 역할을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 교내시설이 좋으면 정보를 빨리 얻는다거나 교내시설이 좋으면 클럽활동에 잘 참여한다는 설명만으로는 논지가 약하게 느껴집니다. 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있는 논리+중요성이 충분히 강조될 수 있는 논리로 idea를 더 발전시켜주세요. 기본적인 방향이 틀린 것은 아니니 적절하게 improve해주시면 더 높은 level도 충분히 가능하실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!