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■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic : The elderly need exercise more than young people do. | |
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▶ Your Answer : There is an argument over whether the elderly need exercise more than young people do. Some people might argue that elderly has no necessity to exercise because exercising drop them into danger. My view, however, is that older people have to exercise. This is largely because their body already so week, they can easily get some health problem. Moreover, they can get brisk life as doing some activity.
To begin with, the older people have already become weaker than young people. If they do not exercise frequently, their amount of muscles would reduce, and it makes their bone become breakable. For the elderly, breaking bone is very danger, because their recovering pace is so slow. According to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Harvard University, more than two-thirds of surveyed participants who do not exercise have undergone breaking bones at least 3 times. Based on the study, it seems clear that not to do exercise is how vulnerable and hazardous.
In addition, doing exercise helps them get more enjoy in their life. Also, they can get many new friends, who make them more active and be happy as they do exercise. For example, my grandfather is always in home. He never got along with other people. Thus, he gets mental and physical illness. I recommended enrolling some exercise group. He allowed that because he already exhausted from solitude. After this event, he’s life completely changed. He could throw off his mental and physical illness and he has got back his health. Therefore, the older people should do exercise.
To summarize, doing exercise is more important for the elderly than young people. It can bring energy in their life and health. | |
There is an argument over whether the elderly need exercise more than young people do. Some people might argue that elderly has no necessity to exercise because exercising drop them into danger. My view, however, is that older people have to exercise. This is largely because their body is already so weak week, that they can easily get some health problem. Moreover, they can get brisk life as by doing some activity.
To begin with, the older people have already become weaker than young people. If they do not exercise frequently, their amount of muscles would reduce, and it makes will make their bone become easily breakable. For the elderly, breaking bone is very dangerous, because their recovering pace is so slow. According to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Harvard University, more than two-thirds of surveyed participants who do not exercise have undergone breaking bones at least 3 times. Based on the study, it seems clear that not to do exercise is how vulnerable and hazardous.
l example에서 participants가 elderly people이라는 것을 써 주셔야 합니다. 그렇지 않으면 topic과는 무관하게 아무나 bone을 다친다는 의미가 되어서 좋지 않아요.
In addition, doing exercise helps them get more enjoy in their life. Also, they can get many new friends, who make them (누구를 말하는지 명확하지 않아요) more active and be happy happier as they do exercise. For example, my grandfather is always in at home. He never got along with other people. Thus, he gets got mental and physical illness. I recommended him to join enrolling some exercise group. He allowed that because he already exhausted from solitude. He accepted it because he was tired of solitude. After this event, he’s his life completely changed. He could throw off his mental and physical illness and he has got back his healthy life. Therefore, the older people should do exercise.
l 이 문단의 주장은 brisk life 즉, 활기찬 삶을 가지게 된다는 점 입니다. 첫 문장에 In addition, by exercising, they can have more active life. 라는 식으로 간단하게 의견을 쓰는 게 좋습니다.
To summarize, doing exercise is more important for the elderly than young people. It can bring energy and health in to their life and health. |
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Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
전체적으로 문법적인 실수가 많이 보입니다. 형용사/동사의 쓰임에 주의해 주시기 바랍니다. 또한, 문장의 구조에도 신경을 써 주시기 바랍니다. 병치와 동사 시제의 일치에도 신경 써 주세요. Reason과 example을 쓸 때에도 topic에 맞게 조금 더 focused되게 써 주세요. 에세이를 다 쓴 후에는 꼭 시간을 내서 proof reading을 하시는 게 좋습니다.