▶ Your Answer :
opinions might be divided over whether
focusing on a project at a time is better than starting another<(incomplete한 phrase입니다. starting another는 아무 의미가 없어 보입니다). different
people may take different stances on the issue. personally, I agree with the
given statement. there are several reasons to support my idea.
first, concentrating on a project at a time
can help us to understand social issues. today, as our society has become more
complex, today of many young people feel confused among conflicting views and
perspectives, especially concerning political and social issues. in this case,
lacking enough knowledge and judgment, they find it is hard to make right
decisions based only on what they learn from their textbook. in addition, a lot
of other projects can hinder students to understand those issues, precisely.
therefore, focusing on a project at a time can give some food for thought on
those issues by providing students a lot of time to think. for instance, the
global financial crisis that started in 2008 swept the world economy. I was
struggling to find out what was going on. I had not enough time to think them
because I had to study a lot of other projects at the same time. however, during
summer vacation, I spent all of my free time to think that issue. finally, I could
find that which factor had caused the world economy disaster. thus, while focusing
on a project at a time, I could broaden my horizon and learn how abstract
theories can be applied in the real world.<(하이라이트를 친 부분은 필요가 없거나 논리적으로 맞지 않거나 써포트를 해주고 있지않아서 no value인 문장들입니다. Doing a project at a time이랑 social issues랑 무슨 관계인지 그리고 왜 social issues가 나오는지 잘 모르겠습니다. )
second, focusing on a project can help
people to find out several solutions to unexpected problems. since their
invention, Many technology devices have become an integral part of our lives,
and something that we cannot live without. they have allowed us to save time
and be more efficient in dealing tasks at hand. however, one of the flip side of
these benefits are unexpected adverse effects that should not be overlooked.
therefore, we need to focus on a subject in order to solve unexpected harmful
results. for instance, for the first time of the invention of cars, many people were not concerned about problems did not concern problems, caused by cars. today, cars are under severe
criticism for depleting our oil supply, more than 96 percent of car across the
world using oil as fuel. in addition, making noise and discharging exhaust gas,
cars are one of leading causes of our environmental problems and pose a serious
threat to our health. in this case, many politicians have encouraged scientists
to focus on that subject at a time to overcome those serious effects. therefore,
if someone concentrated on that issue at a time, he or she would find out that
how to improve our environment and how to reduce the number of cars on the road.<(위 문단과 마찬가지로 연관성이나 논리성이 떨어지는 근거와 예시입니다. 글쓴이가 써포트를 잘 사용 하고 계시지 않습니다. )
all things considered, I think that the
given statement does sound plausible for the reasons that I already have
mentioned above. <(Need improvement. Conclusion는 에세이의 전체 내용을 통틀서 summary을 하신후 결론을 지어서 그 결론들러 3~4들로 써주셔야합니다.)
Overall Score: Limited (1~10) Comment: 모든 문장의 첫 번째 단어는 대문자여야 합니다. 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 전달되고 있지 않습니다. 내용들이 논리적이거나 연관성이나 정확성이 없습니다. 두 번째 근거는 좋으십니다. 다만 문단 안의 내용은 전혀 coherence가 없어 보입니다. Outline 형식으로 내용을 한번 brainstorming후 질문을 여러번 읽으면서 질문은 답해주고있는지 확인하면서 연습을 하시면 도움이 되실 것 같습니다. 특히 내용 정리를 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. |