▶ Your Answer :
The majority of people in their early to mid-twenties are under illogical and stereotypical assumption that the rules that require to young people to follow are too strict, however, they have to follow this these society’s rules. This notion, however, does not reflect the stance I hold and should be thought in a different light. I believe that instead of only following the strict rules created by society, the young should make their own rules because it enables them to get job opportunities and enrich lifestyle.
First, it is essential to think about getting job opportunities. This is because it has been a topic on various social network websites with people holding different opinions. Last May, I was highly active on twitter and encountered heated online discussions. Initially, I thought the young should obey and follow the strict rules created by society. However, upon further reflection, my interest on this topic increased, which led me to read relevant tweet feeds. A common point people shared was that if people only followed the strict rules created by society, companies would think that they were not flexible in with their thinking. It was quite an issue for them since it made them frustrated because it was hard to get job opportunities at large corporations. This was enough to change my initial thoughts and I learned that the young should make their own rules instead of only following the strict rules created by society in order to get job opportunities.
Second, another important point that should be thought about is enriching lifestyle. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in Korea published an online editorial in KyungHyang newspaper last Monday which claims that the young should make their own rules in order to enrich lifestyle. His study was particularly interesting because it supported my thoughts. The survey claims that 62 percent of 200 young Korean professionals preferred making their own rules and respecting other’s rules as well as the most preferred way of enriching lifestyle. The paradigm shift encouraged people to think enriching lifestyle was most important. I thought of the results of the survey because it resonated with my thoughts.
To sum up, young people in their early to mid-twenties base their views regarding this topic on the wrong fact. Hence, their views are both illogical and stereotypical. The second paragraph shows that making their own rules allows the young to get job opportunities. In addition, the third paragraph reveals that it motivates them to enjoy a better quality of life. Unless there is a dramatic change within the perception of the young minds, a distorted view will continue to shroud the truth. To obtain the absolute truth, people need to be cautious when incorporating the pros and cons with different opinions people hold because there is only one truth.
Overall Score: Limited (1~16) Comment: 에세이가 질문을 잘 답해 주고 있지 않습니다. 질문은 사회가 젊은 사람들이 follow 하기 바라는 rules는 too strict인가 아닌가 에 대해 물어 보고 있습니다. 글쓴이는 사회가 정한 rules를 follow 해야하나 안해야하나 에 대해 답에 주고있습니다. 문법상으로는 대문자를 쓰시는 것을 조심하시면 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 크게 문제 될 부분은 없어 보입니다. |