▶ Your Answer :
There is a famous Korean saying that, “People lived long ago people in the past were peaceful.” This is the saying my friends used to tell me
when they wanted to emphasize the fact that there was no stress wasn't as much stress as nowadays.
However, I do not agree with that saying this statement. Therefore, I disagree with the
following statement that today, life is easier and cozier than it was when our
grandparents were young for the following reasons: financial hard and sickness Therefore, I believe life in our grandparents' days were much harsher for the following reasons: financial difficulty and sickness. 먼저, 글의 도입 부분에서 본론으로 이어지는 부분이 자연스럽고 멋스럽네요. 전체적인 글의 구조도 잘 짜여있습니다. Introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 thesis statement (주제, 주장 제시 + 근거 나열)의 내용도 다 잘 써주셨습니다. 다만, 글의 구조를 조금 수정하셔서 더 어색하지 않고 내용이 매끄럽게 전개되도록 하시면 더욱 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 반복되는 구절이나 단어를 주의해주세요~
To begin with, people who lived during out grandparents' times were mostly not rich unless they were related to government officials or emerging industries. (문단의 첫 문장은 최대한 간결하게 핵심만 잡아서 써주세요. 또 여러가지 예시를 한 문장에 표현하실 때에는 병렬 구조를 유지해주세요) lived when our
grandparents were young mostly were not rich unless they were at related
position from government or high position in emerging industry. For example, when I listened to my grandmother's childhood stories, I
used to hear when my grandmother enjoy talking she was a child. I was surprised at how different her life was when she was about my age. how life of me currently and her when she was about my age could be so that
different. She said she did not have a cozy robust home like we do. When it
rained, rain drops used to leak fill out entirely. She had to awake removing all
water (이 문장의 의미가 잘 이해되지 않네요, She had to wake up every morning to remove all the water 이런 의미인가요?). Also, because she lived in the countryside she never had convenient transportation we have now such as buses or taxies, as we use transportation easily such as buses or taxies,
she could not use those too. She lived in the country side so there was not much
ways to use means of transportation. (반복되는 내용이니, 생략해주셔도 될 것 같습니다) Compared to her life in the past that, we live in a much comfortable world with cozy homes and convenient transportation. much comfort
since almost everyone got their cozy and healthy homes. Also, I came to think
riding my parents’ car every day I go to school. Therefore, we cannot say that life in the past were cozier and easier. it
has always been cozy and easier for them to live.
첫번째 body paragraph에서 제시해주신 주장과 예시 모두 적절합니다. 또, 부연 설명도 충분히 잘 해주셔서 내용 전달력이 좋습니다. 자신의 경험을 토대로 설명하신 예시라 더 신빙성 있고 설득력도 있습니다. 다만, 문장 구조와 어휘력에 좀 더 신경을 써주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 비슷한 내용은 같이 한 문장 안에 묶어주시고, 새로운 아이디어를 소개할 떄는 새로운 문장을 시작하는 등, 내용에 따라 문장 구조를 조절하면서 강조할 부분은 더 강조해주시는 것이 좋습니다. 또, 너무 많은 내용을 한꺼번에 설명하려 하시면 오히려 이해하기 어려워 역효과가 날 수 있으니 최대한 간결한 문장 구조를 유지해주세요. 반복되는 문법 오류로는 명사의 단수/복수 구분, 주어/목적어 위치 구분이 있습니다, 참고해주세요~ Furthermore, there was were many disease growing
there and infections between people diseases and infections spreading among people in the past. In Korea when my grandparents were young, a war with North Korea had been going on. there had been wars out broke from Japan or North Korea ("or"이라는 표현이 어색합니다. 또, 일본과 북한과의 전쟁은 시대가 다르니 둘 중 하나만 제시해주시는 것이 좋습니다). For citizens, they
were so poor to have nothing to eat and wear Many civilians were so poor that they didn't have food to eat and clothes to wear. To illustrate For example (예시를 언급하실 때는 "for example"이나 "for instance"를 먼저 써주시면 더 명확합니다), when my
grandfather was young, he was so hungry that he ate everything anything that came to his eyes.
With that such eating habit, he used to get food poisoned easily. infect easily from the food. However, since
he lived in country side, it was not always easy to get there help instantly even it
was so dangerous (의미가 불분명한 문장입니다. 대충 의미를 유추하여 수정해보았습니다). Also, unlike today, vaccinations hadn't been invented. there was not much vaccinations invented.
However, we nowadays have enough food to it eat (편입된 의견입니다, "우리"라는 개념이 모호합니다. 세계에는 풍족히 먹을 수 있는 인구보다 굶는 인구가 더 많다는 것을 감안해주세요). The government supports people who aren't capable of sustaining themselves. If there is not people who can,
government support and protect for those so there is not much to worrying
about. Also, when new diseases are forming break out, scientists invent new vaccines
instantly and provide them for free. Thus, unlike our grandparent’s generation,
we can be easily protected from sickness. 역시 글의 구조와 형식에는 문제가 없습니다. 예시도 적절하지만, 앞의 문단에서 개인적 경험을 토대로 설명해주셨으니 다른 종류의 예시를 들어주시면 더 풍부하고 설득력 있을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 전문 지식/정보나 연구 결과를 토대로 근거를 뒷받침해주신다면 좋을 것 같네요. 내용을 정확하게 전달하기 위해서는 문장 구조와 문법 오류에 주의해주세요~
In conclusion, financial hardness and
sickness are the reasons why I disagree with the following statement.. 콩클루젼
귀찮아서 생략 했어요 ㅎㅎㅎ.. 바디 위주로 첨삭 부탁 드립니다.. ㅠㅠ 좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
토플 라이팅의 기본 구조와 형식을 잘 이해하고 계십니다. 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 큰 문제 없이 잘 이해가 됩니다. 다만, 문장 구조와 문법에 신경을 써주세요. 내용을 이해할 수 있을만한 문법 오류는 어느정도 참작되지만 주어/동사/목적어가 너무 엉켜있어 내용을 해독할 수 없으면 내용 부분에서도 문법 부분에서도 점수가 깎일 수 있습니다. 내용의 명확성과 전달력에 신경써주세요~ 또, 전반적으로 간결하게 쓰는 습관을 들이신다면 실수를 줄이실 수 있을 것 같네요. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 3.5/5 -> 22/30
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