▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument over whether people
should spend more time with their family than time with their work. Some people
say that working is much more important because of financial factors. My view,
However, is that spending Spending time with family is much more significant important ("significant"는 더 심각한 어조에서 쓰인다고 보시면 됩니다) than
working. This is largely because family members can give useful advices which
cannot get from work places. Moreover, people having more time with family are
happier. Introduction paragraph에서 내용 상으로는 큰 문제는 없습니다. 다만 thesis statement를 조금 더 다듬어 주시면 좋을 것 같네요. Thesis statement는 주제와 주장 제시, 그리고 근거 나열을 해주셔야 하는 데요. 이 모든 것들을 최대한 한 문장 안에 담아주셔야 알아보기도 쉽고 효과적으로 내용을 전달할 수 있습니다.
To begin with, people can get useful
advices from their family which is not possible to get from workplaces. These days, people suffer from competition all the time. lots of competition is common and even familiar to modern people.(표현이 어색하기도 하고, 너무 장황한 것 같아 수정하였습니다) In the work
place, the situation is not different. Although people spend a great amount of
time with their coworkers, they cannot discuss some private issues. not related
to work. However, family members are the people who are understandable understanding of all matters at all times to other
family members in any case. To be specific For example, my cousin, Jane, had a difficult
time with her unhealthy mental (이것이 정신 상태를 말하는 건지, 단지 컨디션을 말하는 건지 불분명합니다. 꼭 명확하게 해주세요) . She often forgot what she has had to do. Because her
mother had known her for a long time, her mother noticed that she was stressed
from his her work and encouraged her to rest. Finally, my cousin could overcome her
difficulty. It is not her coworkers who helped her to help her to overcome the situation but
her mother who knows her very well. For this regard, family members are much
more important. 이 body paragraph에서 제시해주신 주장과 예시 모두 적절합니다. 서술하는 방식이 반복되는 장황한 느낌이 있어, 더 간결하고 명확하게 써주신다면 더 좋을 것 같네요. 특히, 예시 사례를 설명해주실 때는 보다 더 정확한 어휘와 단어 선택을 하셔서 의미를 분명하게 표현해주세요. 또, 문단의 마지막에는 전체적인 문단을 요약하는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 좋습니다.
Moreover, people who have more time with
their family is are more likely to be satisfied with satisfy their life. It is not the workplace that makes people relaxed, but a cozy home with family. to
make people more feel relaxation but the house where family live there.
Although people are close to their coworkers, they cannot be a true family. In other
words, family members share great parts in life together. some part or even large part of lives. They can
affect large part of lives each other.(반복되고 불필요한 구절입니다) As an example, a The study conducted from in Harvard
University shows that the rate of satisfaction of the first group who have had more time with their
family is was much higher than that those of the second group who have had little time with
family and much time at workplace. This study also states that self-esteem of
first group of people is was interestingly higher than the second group (왜 "interestingly"하게 높았는지에 대해서도 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요). According
to the study, family members are very important to each other. Body paragraph의 구조가 아주 탄탄히 잘 짜여있네요. 처음에 주제 소개부터 예시 소개까지 아주 매끄럽게 잘 이어집니다. 다만 서두를 좀 더 간결하고 명확하게 써주시고 예시와 부연 설명에 더 신경을 많이 써주셔야 할 것 같아요. 연구 결과에 대해서 설명만 할 것이 아니라 어떻게 주제와 직접적으로 이어지는지에 대해 설명을 덧붙여주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 마지막에 concluding sentence써주시는 것 잊지마세요~
To sum up, I believe that spending time
with family members is far more important than being at work for the two
reasons that I have mentioned above ("이미 언급했듯이"와 같은 표현은 최대한 삼가해주시고, 귀찮으시더라도 근거 하나 하나 직접 나열해주셔야 해요ㅠㅠ). First, useful advices not possible to
obtain from coworkers can be accessible from family members. Second, contentment
of people who have more time with their family is higher. Conclusion paragraph에서 전체적인 내용을 아주 잘 요약해주셨습니다. 같은 내용을 다른 말로 잘 표현해주셨네요. Conclusion paragraph에서 가장 중요한 것 중 하나가 thesis statement를 재강조하는 것인데요, thesis statement는 최대한 한 문장안에 다 써주셔야 해요ㅠㅠ 그러니 여기서도 근거를 나열할 때 최대한 정리해서 써주시면 좋습니다. 또 마지막에는 근거 나열만 하기보다는 concluding sentence로 마무리 지어주세요.
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
전체적으로 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 좋습니다. 글의 구조도 잘 잡혀있는 것 같아 이해하기가 쉬웠습니다. 다만 표현력과 어휘력을 더 다듬으셔야 글의 전달력과 설득력을 높일 수 있을 것 같아요. 간단한 문법 실수 (주어/동사 일치, 복수/단수 등)도 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
3.5/5 -> 22/30 |