▶ Your Answer :
Some people contend that all students should wear their school uniform. I do not agree with such argument. There are many reasons to spouse support my argument, but two main reasons will be explained by following (근거에 대해서 언급만 하시는 것이 아니라 직접 하나 하나 나열해주셔야 합니다. 또, "following" 다음에는 반드시 제시해주실 명사가 나와야 합니다). Introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 것은 thesis statement 입니다. Thesis statement에서는 지문에 주어진 주제를 설명하고, 자신의 주장을 제시하고, 그에 뒷받침하는 근거들을 나열해주셔야 합니다. "Two main reasons"라고 언급만 하시는 것이 아니라 그 이유가 무엇인지 구체적으로 제시해주셔야 합니다.
First of all, schools should not make students buy and wear school uniforms. This is because most people are struggling with monetary problems these days. As society becomes more complex and shifting fast-changing, people spend are spending money for various purposes. To making living, Because people are tied up by their heavy workloads, they are extremely pressured and stressed out. Thus, people in now a day spend a lot of time relieving their stress, including going for a hike, joining cooking classes, and going to a concert. (이것은 여가에 돈을 쓴다는 것을 설명함으로, "돈을 쓰는 것에 대한 스트레스"를 뒷받침하기에는 조금 off-topic 한 감이 있습니다) For these reasons Thus, it will be another stress and burden for people in modern society to make them spend money to buy school uniforms for their children. My own case is a great example of this (이런 반복적인 구절을 쓰시는 것보다는 바로 예시 설명을 해주시는 것이 훨씬 효과적입니다)FFor example, when When I was a high school student, school faculty members made students wear school uniforms one day. At that time, I thought it would help students build solid relationships with one another each other by enhancing unity. However, surprisingly (어색한 표현을 쓰시는 것보다는 최대한 간결하게 쓰시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다) to my astonishment, many parents of students had to take extra work shifts did extra work for that period to make enough money to buy school uniforms to for their children. The uniforms were just another burden to their insufficient financial situation. Many parents had to suffer from a lot of stress and pressure. It actually made many parents of students feel pressure to make extra money that they had not thought of in addition to the money for essential and stress-relieving parts (주어/동사/목적어가 모두 엉켜있어서 이해하기가 어렵습니다. 너무 많은 내용을 한 문장에 담으려 하지 마시고 최대한 간결한 구조를 유지해주세요). Therefore, the benefits value of school uniform uniforms were that could benefit us is over-valued. 먼저, 참신한 주장과 예시는 주목을 끌기에 충분합니다. 다만, 주장을 더 설득력있게 하고 싶으시다면, 초반에 교복이 비싸다는 것을 미리 명시해주시는 것이 더 앞뒤가 들어맞을 것 같네요. 비싼 가격때문에 학부모들이 경제적 부담을 느낄 수 있으니, 교복은 불필요하다 라는 식의 논리적 연결이 필요합니다. 또, 다양한 문장 구조와 어휘를 시도하시는 것은 좋지만, 가끔 문맥에 맞지 않아 오히려 역효과가 날 수도 있으니, 최대한 간결한 문장 구조와 보다 효율적인 단어 선택을 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
Also, students in modern society should not wear school uniforms in that (불필요한 구절이니 생략해주셔도 됩니다) wearing school uniforms hampers student from developing creativity. Nowadays In these days, innovation and creativity are key features for companies to survive and outpace competitors. Since the speed of development for developing technology is becoming faster, the competition among companies will be much more intense severe as time goes by. Thus, schools should put innovation and creativity first when they set the direction for education. In this context, making students wear identical school uniforms does not allow students to express their distinguished characters. According to a survey in a an education forum in Japan, two thirds of participants mentioned that they do not want to make students to wear school uniforms. In addition, they said that they want to make allow students to be able to choose and take a responsibility for their decisions, what students choose, including school uniforms, and subjects to study further. In this way, schools should promote the creativity for their students by not making students to wear school uniforms. 먼저, 이 body paragraph는 그 전의 것에 비해 구조도 훨씬 탄탄하고 아이디어/부연 설명도 좋아서 흠잡을 데가 별로 없습니다~ 서두부터 본론으로 연결되는 부분도 자연스럽고 논리적 연결 역시 좋습니다. 문장 구조와 문법 오류 몇개만 신경 써주신다면 정말 멋진 글이 될 것 같네요.
All in all, I do not agree with the idea that students should wear school uniforms. Since the money for The cost of school uniform uniforms will make families of students pressured and the forced unity of uniforms will diminish students' creativity. fell pressure and creativity of students will be negatively affected, schools should not make their students wear school uniforms. Conclusion paragraph의 구조와 형식 모두 잘 이해하고 계신 것 같습니다. 전체적인 글 요약과 thesis statement 재강조, 모두 잘 해주셨습니다. 같은 내용을 다른 말로 표현하려 하신 것은 좋지만, 능동적 동사를 사용하는 등 조금 더 효율적인 단어 선택과 문장 구조를 유지해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
영어 표현도 익숙하시고 에쎄이 쓰는 방법도 잘 이해하고 계신 것 같아요~ 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 큰 문제 없이 잘 이해가 됩니다. 어휘도 풍부하고 표현력도 좋으신데요, 좀 더 효율적으로 내용을 전달하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 좀 더 간결한 문장 구조나 형식을 쓰시면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 4.25/5 -> 27/30 |