▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument whether advice from
old friends is more important than from those in the same age. I agree that
advice from old friends are more valuable for two reasons. First, old friends
know me better than others. Second, it is easier to share problems with old
friends when I have difficulties ("me"나 "I"와 같은 대명사는 최대한 삼가해주세요, 문어체를 유지하려면 제3자 입장에서 쓰는 것이 좋습니다). 먼저, Introduction paragraph를 짧지만 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. Introduction pargraph에서 제일 중요한 부분은 thesis statement인데요, 주제와 주장 제시 그리고 근거 나열까지 잘 해주셨습니다. 다만, 이 모든 내용이 더 잘 이어지게 한 묶음으로 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요. 또, 구어체처럼 들리지 않게 대명사 사용하는 것을 주의해주세요~
To begin with, old friends can give
valuable advices because they know many things about you. These days, lots of
difficulties we faces is face are not possible to be solved by alone. Although friends
in the same age share many things including life styles, only old friends can
give you indispensable advices because they have known you for a long time a long time ago. To
be specific, back in college, I had a problem to decide which company I should work for, either a mobile game company or Samsung electronics. the company that I
would work between a Mobile Game company and Samsung Electronics. Friends
around me told that the company which gives me higher salaries more money is better. However,
my old friend, Su-Jin, recommended me to select the mobile game company Mobile Game company because
she knew that I had been interested about making or creating new idea ideas about
games from when since I was a child. Today, I appreciate Su-Jin for her advice
because my job fits me very well I really content my job perfectly. For this regards, advices from old
friends are more important.
먼저, 예시에 대한 부연 설명과 디테일은 충분히 잘 써주셨습니다. 다만, 주어진 지문을 약간 오해하신 것 같습니다. 지문에서 "old friends" 는 오래된 친구가 아니라 "나이가 많은 친구"를 뜻합니다. 지문의 뒷부분에 "비슷한 연령대의 친구"와 비교를 하는 뉘앙스가 나오니, 유추하실 수 있을 거라 생각합니다. 예시의 부연 설명의 분량이 많아서 좋긴 좋습니다만, 주제와 다시 연관짓는 논리적 연결을 덧붙여 주시면 더욱 좋을 것 같습니다.
Moreover, people can share their difficulties
with their old friends more easily. In general, this it is very difficult to share
private issues between coworkers or new friends although even though they are in the same
age of you. Actually, as adults, we cannot share private issues with new friends easily. when we
are grown as an adult. This is because responsibility of society is forced to
be kept as a member of society (의미를 잘 파악할 수 없습니다 ㅠㅠ 주어와 목적어의 위치를 다시 확인해주세요. 혹시 이런 뜻인가요? :This is because responsibilities as an adult, a citizen has forced us to keep personal issues to ourselves). Therefore, it is much more difficult to share
private problems for advices with new friends. However, old friends can help
you solve the private problems by giving you invaluable advices. Study
conducted by Harvard University shows that people are more more be frank about private
difficulties when they talk with old friends. And they even feel that their
problems are solved. This study also states that advice from old friends can be
more helpful especially about private issues. 먼저, body paragraph의 구조와 형식은 탄탄히 잘 짜주셨습니다. 제시해주신 예시 앞의 문단에서 개인적 경험을 토대로 설명해주셨다면, 이번에는 전문 정보/지식을 활용해주셔서 좋습니다. 다만 역시, 주제를 오해하신 것이 점수 부분에 영향을 주지 않을까 생각됩니다 ㅠㅠ
To sum up, I believe that old friends can
help you to get more invaluable advices for the two reasons that I have
mentioned above. First, old friends give advices based on the knowledge they
observed from a long time ago. Second, people usually share private issues with old
friends to get useful advices. Conclusion paragraph가 요구하는 요소에 대해서 잘 파악하고 계신 것 같습니다. 전체적인 내용의 요약도 좋고, 주제의 재강조도 잘 해주셨습니다. Conclusion paragraph에서는 어차피 반복되는 내용이기 때문에 다른 말로 바꾸어 표현하는 게 중요합니다~
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
가장 중요한 것은 글의 중심을 잘 잡는 것인데, 이 부분을 놓치신 것 같네요ㅠㅠ 지문이 명확하지 않아 오해하실 수 있는 부분이니, 다음부터 더 주의해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 주제에 빗나간 부분을 뺴고는 전체적으로 영어 표현이나 예시, 부연 설명 모두 아주 능숙하게 잘 쓰시니, 큰 걱정은 없을 것 같아요. 또, 문법이나 문장 구조 상으로 큰 문제는 없지만, 최대한 간결하게 유지해주시고 핵심을 잡아 표현할 수 있는 어휘를 선택해주세요. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 2.75/5 -> 18/30 |