▶ Your Answer :
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether the government should focus on the internet or public transportation. There have been controversial issues around this topic, and there still is an on-going debate on this topic . The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual perspectives, as not all stand on the same angle (큰 의미 없이 장황하고, 반복되는 내용이니 생략해주세요). However, in this set of essay, I agree with the topic for the following two noteworthy reasons. I agree that the government should pay more attention to the Internet than public transportation for the following reasons. First, Internet has a larger amount of users than the public transportation does. Second, Internet is the most crucial type of technology available. Introduction paragraph에 필요한 요소는 모두 잘 갖추었습니다. 특히 가장 중요한 thesis statement (주제, 주장 제시 + 근거 나열)을 잘 써주셨습니다. 다만 서두에 불필요한 문장들이 너무 많습니다. 본론과 상관없이 장황한 내용은 글의 전달력을 떨어트릴 수 있으니 주의해주세요. 또, 긴 문장이나 표현이 반드시 좋은 표현은 아니니, 최대한 간결하고 명확한 표현을 사용해주세요.
To begin with, there are more people using the Internet than using the public transportation. Today’s society can be described as an informational society. Information is valued a lot in today’s society, and it is the Internet that contains these valuable information. Therefore, the number of Internet users and computers has grown enormously over the few years. On the contrary, Conversely, the number of people using the public transportation has declined, as automobiles became cheaper and abundant. According to a survey conducted by the Ministry of Computers, it has been reported that the available number of computers per houses is about 1.8 and is constantly increasing. From this survey, it can be inferred that the need for the Internet is getting higher and higher; thus, the government should take more care of the Internet to meet the demands of the individuals. 이 body paragraph의 구조, 내용, 문법 모두 크게 흠잡을 데가 없네요~ 제시해주신 예시도 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절하였고, 부연 설명 역시 충분히 해주셔서 이해하기 쉽습니다. 하나 덧붙이자면, 교통수단의 수요가 왜, 어떻게 줄었는지 더 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 완성도가 높은 글이네요~
In addition, the Internet has become very crucial, not only to the for individuals, but also in the international stage. Today’s globalized society has been achieved mostly through by the Internet. Still, the The Internet is the medium that is bonding the whole world as one. If the Internet is not taken care of, a nation can be left out from the whole world. Not only that, it is said that the Internet is where modern wars between nations will take place; there will no longer be physical shooting and bombing. Therefore it’s very important for the national governments to secure their secret information and their citizens from being attacked. To take South Korea for instance, there is a rumor that some North Korean hackers tried to penetrate creep into the Internet and attack the South Korean government system. Not paying attention to the Internet, the South Korean government was exposed to the attacks without any protections. Although this rumor has not been proved to be true, it shows that the government should pay lots more of attention to the Internet than the public transportation, which barely has any possible dangers. 이 body paragraph 역시 내용이나 구조 상으로 큰 문제가 없습니다. 다만, 제시해주신 예시와 부연 설명 모두 너무 Internet에만 치우친 느낌이 있습니다. 물론 논제 자체가 "왜 인터넷이 더 중요한지"에 대해 서술해야 하긴 하지만, 다른 관점에서 "왜 교통수단이 그만큼 중요하지 않은지"에 대해 설명을 해주셔야 글의 밸런스가 잡힙니다. 문법 상으로도 큰 문제는 없지만 반복되는 표현과 관용구에 주의해주세요~
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above ("앞의 언급한 것처럼~"과 같은 표현은 실질적으로 의미가 없어서, 하나 하나 제시해주시지 않으면 있으나 마나 입니다 ㅠㅠ 귀찮으시더라도 다시 한번 주장을 재강조해주세요). Although the verdict may still be out, considering the above two reasons, there is no doubt that the Internet deserves more attention from the government than the public transportation does. Conclusion paragraph에서는 전체적 내용의 요약과 주장의 재강조를 해주셔야 합니다. 지금으로써는 요약 부분이 빠져 있는 상태입니다. 같은 내용이라도 다른 말로 바꾸어 표현해주시는 것이 중요하니, 참고해주세요~
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
전반적으로 주제를 잘 파악하시고, 내용, 예시, 어휘력 모두 풍부하십니다. 반복되는 문장이나 문법/어휘 실수만 신경 써주신다면 더 좋은 글이 나올 것 같네요~ 정말 수고 많으셨습니다, 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 4.5/5 -> 28/30 |