Government should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Opinions vary regarding whether government should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics. Regarding this issue, I agree with the above statement for several reasons. It would be helpful to reduce people's stress if government assign more funds on art affairs, such as paintings, not on athletic affairs. Also, I believe that national funding for boosting art field is more likely to bring brings people closer to their friends and family than the funding for boosting athletic field.
Most interestingly, government can help people to relive their stress and to get energy for their living by making financial support to art area. Today, people are forced to work excessively hard and thus may suffer from high level of stress at work. In this respect, government funding fundings on art department can build more museums, which can help people to leave their daily concerns behind and to get energy for their living. In other words, spending money on building museums are better than building sports center in terms of effeciency of relieving stress. 스포츠센터를 짓는 것보다 예술박물관을 짓는 것이 스트레스를 푸는 데 더 도움이 된다는 idea자체는 가능하지만 이 내용을 설득력있게 설명할 수 있도록 예술작품을 감상하면서 스트레스가 효과적으로 잘 풀린다는 점을 appeal할 필요가 있습니다. 단순히 박물관을 지으면 사람들이 거기 가서 스트레스를 푼다, 하는 것이 아니라 사람들이 박물관을 방문해서 예술요소로부터 스트레스 해소가 가능하다는 점을 설명해서 설득력을 높여주세요. To illustrate this point further, let me take a case of my brother. He not only Not only has he to complete lots of tasks works at work but also to participate in social networking with his bosses and co-workers. When he comes home, he tries to refresh hid mind and body by watching painting channel or drawing class on the internet. These activities seem to recharge him fully and to provide him a great excitement. For a short time, he could get enough breathing space to look forward to working the next day. For these reasons, I believe that our country should take care of art area more than athletic area are. in terms of funding.
Secondly, state's state financial support supports on art activities enables enable people to become closer to their family and friends. In this competitive society, people are forced to compete others for securing their jobs, and thus rarely spend their time with the loved people, such as friends friedns and family. As a result, many people may feel isolated not only from family but also from friends. In this respect, government's support on art area can help to combat these social trends by enabling people to go to museum and to enjoy paintings with their friends or family. 오늘날 사람들의 경쟁이 심해지고 바빠져서 가족과 보낼 시간이 없다는 내용은 예술분야를 지원하는 것과 큰 관련이 없는 사족에 해당합니다. 구체적으로 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어내야 하는 부분은 예술분야에 지원하면 왜 가족이나 친구들과 유대감을 느끼게 되는가 하는 부분입니다. body1에서도 설명했듯이 단순히 박물관을 함께 가서 시간을 같이 보내게 미술관을 지어줘야 한다는 내용만으로는 논리가 충분하지 않습니다. 예술분야의 컨텐츠를 함께 즐길 수 있는 기반을 마련함으로써 어떻게 사랑하는 사람들과의 bond가 생길 수 있는지, 이것이 우리 사회에 왜 중요한지를 appeal할 수 있는 내용으로 내용을 재구성해주세요. According to the studies, recently conducted by Bain & Company consulting firm, people could be closer to others and build up more bonding with others when they were are involved in art related activities rather than when thn they were are doing sports. Indeed, visiting museum with friends or family enables people to laugh out together and to share their opinions on the paintings, which they browsed together. It helps people to overcome awkwardness that may exist not only among strangers but also acquaintances. As shown by the studies, financial support on art realm will benefit people more than the support on sport area. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
To sum up, I believe that government needs to put more money on helping art area than on supporting sports area. This financial policy could build up more places to help people to enjoy a much-needed break from stressful life and to get to know their friends and family better.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
사람들이 스트레스를 풀 수 있고 유대감을 느끼게 해 줄 수 있기 때문에 예술분야에 투자하는 것이 더 좋다는 idea는 적절합니다. 다만 단순히 미술관을 지으면 좋다는 내용만을 제시하기보다 포괄적으로 '예술'이라는 분야에 대한 insight를 보여주는 것이 더 좋습니다. 현재 글은 '미술관'을 '체육관'으로 바꾸기만 해도 말이 되는 글이기 때문에 예술vs스포츠의 구도로 질문한 논제에 대해 충분한 답변이 되기에는 부족한 부분들이 있지요. 단순히 미술관을 더 짓는 것이 아니라 '예술'이라는 분야에 투자함으로써 얻어지는 장점을 appeal하는 방식으로 내용을 보완해주는 것도 좋겠습니다. 코멘트 참고하셔서 improve해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!