Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn.
Nowadays, education became more and more important in order to since it is one of the way to succeed. Many parents and schools want their children and their students to be the best. In some schools, they take an extreme method of paying the teachers according to how much their students had improved. The school is rewarding the teachers for raising the grades of the students. However, this can not only deter the students from having a well-rounded education but also destroy the purpose of public education once and for all. (general statement도 좋고 글 흐름도 적당히 연결이 잘 되어있고 문법 오류도 거의 없고,..잘 하셨어요^^ 그런데 한 가지 아쉬운 점은 주장 (thesis statement)가 명확하게 나와있지 않다는 점입니다. 물론 however 다음 문장을 보면 주장이 무엇인지는 예상할 수 있지만, 그래도 좀 더 확실히 "teachers should not be paid according to how much their students learn"이라는 부분이 나와야 합니다~)
To begin with, students are not able to receive a well-rounded education because of this payment system (because teachers would only be interested in getting more money-이렇게 첫 문장에 바로 나오는 것이 좋아요) the payment. In this type of system, the objective of the teachers can be money. If that is the that case, teachers would try anything to show how much their students had learn by their test scores. Then, teachers can only focus on materials that would be see(m)n on a test. Also, since the teachers' goal is to raise the grades, they would not have to pay individualized attention to the students. Less personal attention can actually deteriorate the students' ability to grow academically and socially. All in all, as teachers focus more on the result rather than progress, it would not be the best solution for the students who need teachers who actually care about them. (논리적이게 잘 써주셨습니다. 그런데 한 가지 생각해볼 점은, statement에서는 grade대로 돈을 준다는 게 아니라 how much their students learn에 따라 준다고 하였습니다. 그렇다면 여기서 how much students learn하는지는 학교 성적으로 나타난다, 때문에 성적은~~ 하고 이 둘을 연결시킬 필요가 있을 것 같아요. 먼저 이 말을 인트로나 아니면 본문에서 언급해주시고, 둘이 같다는 전제하에 주장을 진행해주시면 더 효과적일 것 같습니다!)
On top of that, th(ese)is system would destroy the purpose of public education. Public education needs to be equal for everyone to give a fair opportunity to for those who want to learn. It shows equality and purely academic motives. Giving motivation to teachers with money turns education into a business, which and it ruins the purpose of public education. To give an example, once in my school, teachers were given incentives when their students got a better grade. The teacher started to indicate what will be on the test and told us the answer, so that we would get a better grade than usual. The school authority quickly realized this incident and stopped giving teachers bonus because it was clearly a fraud. (적절한 예시입니다)
To summarize, I firmly believe that schools shouldn't pay teachers according to how much their students learn in order to make better reputation for the scores for the school. This is because it can easily lead to fraud, and students should receive a well-rounded education.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-good (19~25)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 잘 쓰셨습니다. 예시 아이디어나 문장력이 좋으신 편인 것 같습니다. 구성도 깔끔하구요.
2. 다만, 위에서 말씀드렸듯이 조금만 더 주제와 아이디어를 매끄럽게 연결시켜주실 수 있으면 더 높은 점수 기대해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요~
3. 문법 에러가 그렇게 많은 편은 아니지만, 그래도 실수를 줄이기 위해 에세이 작성 후 꼼꼼하게 검토하시는 습관을 들여주시길 바랍니다. 위에 체크해드린 부분 참고해주세요^^
수고많으셨습니다 :)