Increasing teachers’ salary will improve the quality of education in a country.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may insist that increasing teachers’ salary will improve the quality of education in a country, while others may not. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual’s perspectives. However, as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement for two major reasons as follows.
To start with, increasing salary will motivate teachers to work harder. It is widely known that the higher salary people are paid, the higher motivation they get. There is no doubt that teachers play a significant role in education. If teachers are highly motivated, they will try to work harder and achieve more accomplishment in their workplaces resulting in improving the quality of education. 높은 봉급이 key motivator의 역할을 함으로써 교육의 질을 높여준다는 설명이 적절합니다. 논리 흐름도 단계적으로 잘 잡혀 있습니다. To illustrate this point, the research about the relevance between work efficiency and change of a salary conducted by Ministry of Education of Korea is the prime example. In this research, it turned out that workers whose salaries increased were motivated to increase work efficiency. In this sense, increasing teachers' salaries would be effective for better education quality. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 내용의 연구결과입니다.
On top of that, many talented applicants seeking for better benefits are going to apply for teacher positions if teachers’ salaries are increased. In order to improve the quality of education, it is important to seek for qualified people since they are able to offer students better quality of classes. 더 능력있는 선생님들을 모을 수 있다는 idea나 설명이 적절합니다. If the salary as a teacher is not enough to make a living, talented people would rather choose different kinds of jobs paying higher salaries. To take my mother’s story for example, my mother got a job offer as an art teacher in school for a long time ago, but she gave up taking the position since she was well aware of the fact that teachers often struggle with low income. Therefore, increasing teachers’ salary will contribute to attracting well-qualified applicants and improving education in a country. 봉급이 높지 않으면 능력있는 사람들이 떠날 것이라는 흐름보다 봉급이 높으면 경쟁력을 갖춘 지원자들이 많이 몰리고 그 중에서 최고의 선생님을 선별할 수 있기 때문에 좋다는 흐름을 생각해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 논제가 제시한 상황 자체가 선생님의 월급을 높이면 좋은 점에 대한 부분이므로 '적으면 이러이러하다'하는 점을 설명하는 것보다 더 coherence를 살려주기에 유리하거든요^^ 물론 현재 내용으로도 흐름은 아주 좋습니다.
For the reasons stated above, I am convinced that increasing teachers’ salary will definitely be helpful in improving to improve the quality of education in a country.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
기본적인 idea들이 적절하고 논리 흐름도 매끄럽습니다. 강조할 수 있는 부분들이나 구체화할 수 있는 부분들을 체크해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 전반적으로 아주 잘 써주셨습니다^^ minor한 문법오류 없게끔 작문시에 유의해주시고 다양한 단어 구사, 관용적 표현 부분을 보완해보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 일취월장 투투대마왕님 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!