It is more important to make new friends than it is to keep your old friends.
Some people think that to keep your old friends is not as important as to make new friends. However, in my opinion, it is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends. This is because old friends are more stable(stable이라는 단어는 여기에 조금 맞지 않는 것 같습니다. 안정된 이라는 뜻인데, 이 보다는 trustworthy (믿을 수 있는)이나 familiar(익숙한), reliable (의지가되는) 이라는 단어를 쓰시던지, 아니면 old friends can understand you better라고 이해할 수 있다는 내용으로 가주시던지.. 하는 방향으로 조금 바꿔주시면 좋겠습니다) and making new friends requires time and efforts.
To begin with, old friends share the same experience with you and thus can understand you better. Often, you don't need to explain your situation or background when you talk to them. Moreover, they are more reliable than people you don't really know. (밑줄 친 두 내용이 개별적인 두 개의 이유인 것 같습니다. 한 가지로 통합시켜서 써주시거나 아니면 두 가지 중 하나만 써주시고, 이에 따른 내용을 구체적으로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) This is especially helpful when you have personal issues that you want to discuss about. For example, I have a friend who I have known for over 15 years. When I had a conflict with my family, she was the only one I could discuss about it and ask for advise at that time. (뭔가 예시가 마무리가 없이 뚝 끊긴 느낌이에요. 좀 더 구체적으로 써주시고, 결론을 내어 마무리지어주세요. new friends과는 어떻게 다른지에 대해 써주시는 것도 좋은 방법인 것 같네요~)
On top of that, making new friends is time and energy-consuming. It takes a certain time to find someone who shares the same value with you and is trustworthy. Also, it is not always easy to find new friends. For instance, when I first went come to high school, I had to make new friends. Most of students them already knew each others because they came from the same middle school. However, I was the only one among my friends who went to that school. So, It became a stress stressful for to me because I did not know them and did not know who could be my friend. It was only after After a year of struggle in school(,) that I was able to could finally make a group of friends who became my friends could understand me totally.
To sum up, old friends are more reliable and more likely to share the same value than new friends. Also, and making new friends takes time. (문장이 길기 때문에 두 개로 나눠봤습니다) In this regard(s), I think it is more important essential (essential은 필수적이라는 뜻의 단어인데, 그렇기 때문에 more essential은 어색한 것 같습니다) to keep your old relationship.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Good (19~24)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 에세이 구성이나 아이디어가 좋은 편인 것 같습니다. 예시도 적절하게 잘 들어주셨으나, 첫 번째 본문 문단의 예시는 위에서 말씀드린대로 본격적인 내용이 없이 앞부분에서 끊긴 느낌입니다. 예시는 주장을 효과적으로 뒷받침 해줘야 하는데, 그러기위해서 좀 더 구체적으로 써주시고 내용 마무리를 해주시길 바랍니다.
2. 첫 번째 본문에서 예시 내용을 두~세줄 추가하여 써주시면 에세이 길이는 적당할 것 같습니다^^
3. 문법 오류 체크해주시고, 항상 에세이 작성 후 꼼꼼하게 오류가 있는지 검토하는 습관을 들여주시길 바래요!
수고많으셨습니다 :)