People should work quickly and risk making mistakes, instead of working slowly and making sure that everything is correct.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether working quickly and risking making mistakes or working slowly and making sure that everything is correct. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individual’s perspectives. From my experiences, I definitely believe that it is much better to work slowly and carefully rather than work quickly for two major reasons as follows.
To begin with, working quickly is much more inefficient in case that making mistakes. happens. People tend to make mistakes more often when they try to deal with works in a short amount of time because they do not have enough time to pay attention to details to increase the speed of work. In addition, to make matters worse, if mistakes are made in this process, much longer time and energy are required to fix those problems. 비효율성에 대한 idea나 설명이 논리적으로 잘 연결되어 있습니다. To take my personal experience for example, when I worked for an online shopping mall, there were a lot of duties I had to manage. Then, one day, I decided to handle my work as quickly as possible in order to raise my work efficiency. However, unfortunately, I made huge mistakes and I had to put a lot of time and energy to fixing fix those problems. * put A to B In conclusion, it was better to work slowly so that I could check and make sure of all the details. As seen in this case, working quickly risking making mistakes is dangerous since it might require huge amount of time and energy if problems happen. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 밑줄 친 부분처럼 나의 입장을 다시 연결지어서 강조한 부분도 아주 좋습니다.
On top of that, working quickly and risking making mistakes might damage on the work efficiency of other people if problems occur. In most companies in current society, work is divided and completed by cooperation of many people. In this context, if someone makes mistakes to work quickly, it would be the problem to not only to the individual but also to all the members who are related to the work. From my experience, in my previous workplace, there was a co-worker who worked very fast but often made serious mistakes. The major problem was that he lacked attention to details since he did not spend give enough time checking to check again. *이 부분에서도 give A to N이 되어야 하므로 명사꼴이 와야 합니다. give표현보다는 spend와 같은 표현이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. Every time such kind of problems happened, I had to do even over time work to make things right. It was so uncomfortable to work with him because I felt like his working style decreased my working efficiency. In this respect, working slowly and prudently is much safer than working hastily not to harm other people’s working efficiency. 적절한 논리 흐름입니다. 다만 body1에서도 업무효율에 대한 이야기를 했기 때문에 살짝 방향을 수정해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 빠르게 일하면서 실수가 생기면 전체 team work에 피해가 갈 수 있다는 내용이므로 '일의 quality에 지장을 준다'하는 식으로 잡아서 논리를 생각해보는 것도 괜찮을 것 같고요. 지금도 논리 흐름 자체는 좋습니다^^
For the reasons stated above, I am strongly convinced that working slowly and making make sure that everything is correct is much better than working quickly and risking making mistakes.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전체적인 내용 흐름이 좋습니다. idea들이 구분되도록 body2를 발전시켜보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 계속해서 다양한 주제로 시간 조절하면서 연습하시면 충분히 실전에서도 good level가능하실 거예요^^ 몇 가지 문법오류 체크해주시고 흐름 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!