Young people enjoy life more than older people.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think that older people can enjoy their life as much as young people since they have a lot of free time. However, in my opinion, young people have more opportunities to enjoy their life more than the elderly. That is because young people are healthy and have a lot of cultural advantages.
To begin with, young people have more physical strength than older people. This lets young people to spend their time doing things that make their life more enjoyable. For older people, however, their unhealthy condition is a hindrance to doing for them to do what they want. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 건강하면 인생을 즐기는 데 왜 더 좋은지를 구체적으로 설명해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, my grandmother loved travelling when she was young. Unfortunately, as she got older, her health condition has been aggravated, which and made her stop travelling although it was her favorite activity. In contrast, my brother who is a university student regularly travels abroad since he is healthy enough to follow the schedule of his trip. Though both my grandmother and older brother love travelling, my grandmother’s health condition deterred her from travelling which could make her life enjoyable. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 주장과 관련해 '건강' 요소를 강조하면서 마무리한 부분도 좋습니다.
On top of that, young people get more cultural advantages than older people. Since young people generally participate in cultural activities more than older people, Korea’s the world's mainstream culture is mainly focused on young people. *한국에 제한하기보다 '세상'과 같은 표현으로 범위를 넓혀서 포괄적으로 다루는 편이 설득력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다. Thus, young people have a lot of opportunities to enjoy the culture that they are interested in, which makes them enjoy their life. 문화를 향유하는 것이 인생을 즐기는 데 큰 역할을 한다는 전제사항을 설명하고 들어가도 좋을 것 같아요. [인생을 즐기는 데 있어 문화를 향유하는 것이 큰 비중을 차지하는데, 대부분의 주류 문화가 young people을 대상으로 하기 때문에 blah blah~]하는 식으로 연결하면 '그러니까 즐길 문화컨텐츠가 많은 the young들이 enjoy life better한다.'하는 식의 결론으로 이어가기에 좀 더 자연스러운 흐름을 만들 수 있지요. For instance, K-pop which is the most popular culture in Korea is mostly favored by young people. As this culture is the culture of the young, it is very difficult to see older people who enjoy K-pop. Also, most of TV programs target young people, so the contents are generally composed of the one that young people can easily understand and empathize such as the romance of between young couples. In this current cultural circumstance, older people do not have much space to stand and enjoy their life. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 젊은이들을 위한 주류문화에 대해서만 소개하기보다 간단하게 '반면 old people들을 위한 문화는 별로 없다'하는 식의 대조 내용을 넣어서 주장을 appeal해도 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, young people have more benefits of health and culture when enjoying their one’s life than older people. In this regard, I believe that young people enjoy life more than older people.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고, 명확한 idea와 설명의 논리적 흐름 모두 좋습니다. 주장을 강조할 수 있는 부분들과 문법 오류들을 체크해보시고 간단하게 improve해보시면 좋겠습니다. 충분히 실전에서도 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 문법오류나 오탈자가 생기지 않도록 검토할 수 있는 시간 여유 남겨두시면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!