Some people say that a teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than the ability to give knowledge
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that a teacher’s ability to give knowledge is more important that the ability to relate well with students. However, in my opinion, the ability to socialize well with students is are more important. This is because learning how to build a good mentor-mentee relationship is important and the ability to give knowledge can be aided by alternative materials, but the ability to relate well can’t be aided.
First, learning how to build a good mentor-mentee relationship is important. 선생님과 제자 간의 관계를 잘 맺는 것을 배우는 게 구체적으로 '왜' 중요한지가 주제문(첫문장)에서 드러나면 좋을 것 같아요. 아이들이 앞으로 사회생활에서 필요한 social skill을 배울 수 있다, 하는 식으로 명확한 장점을 보여주는 편이 설득력 면에서 더 좋습니다. In one’s life like, he builds dozens of mentor-mentee relationships and most of the relationships are built after graduation. And a teacher with the ability to relate well can guide their students how to build an ideal mentor-mentee relationship. To be specific, before I met a teacher whose name was Kim, it was difficult for me to have a good relationship with a teacher and I was a troublemaker in my class. After Kim taught me some skills to build a good relationship with a mentor, I have never made a trouble in my class. I still follow her words and without Kim’s support I might be struggling with my boss in a company even today. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 문단 전체의 unity가 잘 드러난다는 점이 좋습니다.
On top of that, the ability to give knowledge can be aided by alternative materials, but the ability to relate well can’t be aided. There are a lot of books, audios, and videos that can help students to learn knowledge. However, the ability to make good relationship with students can’t be aided by any other way. 지식을 전달하는 것은 다른 부분에서 도움을 받을 수 있다는 설명이 곧 '아이들과 잘 지내는 것이 더 중요하다'라는 점을 뒷받침해줄 수는 없습니다. 남이 도와줄 수 없는 부분이기 때문에 더 중요하다는 설명은 설득력이 떨어집니다. 대체제가 없다고 해서 무조건 더 중요한 것은 아니니까요. 논제가 묻는 '중요성'을 보여주기 위해서는 아이들과 잘 지내지 못할 경우 생기는 단점이 이러이러해서 너무 크다거나, 아이들과 잘 지낼 때 얻는 긍정적인 영향들이 이러이러하니까 더 중요하다는 식으로 appeal하는 편이 좋지요. 좀 더 설득력있는 idea를 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.For instance, one of my friends is teaching at an elementary school. She has a good socializing skills with students, but lack of the ability to give knowledge. Therefore, she used video materials to transfer knowledge and focuses more on active communication with students. In the midterm exam, the average score of her classes was slightly higher than that of rest classes. In other words, additional resources augmented her teaching skills successfully. If she lacks socializing skills, there are no external aids that can help her solve relationship problems.
To sum up, learning how to build a good mentor-mentee relationship is important and lack of the ability to give knowledge can be aided by alternative materials. The ability to relate well with students cant’ be aided at all. In conclusion, the ability to relate well with the teacher is more important than the ability to give knowledge.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
글의 흐름을 잡아나가는 방식을 잘 알고 계신 것 같습니다. body1에 비해 body2의 내용이 설득력이 약하다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 좀 더 나의 입장을 설득력있게 보여줄 수 있는 idea를 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. idea만 더 발전시켜서 재구성해보셔도 훨씬 좋은 글이 될 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!