Some people like to study in public places.others prefer to study in places where there are few or no people. Which place do you prefer? Explain why.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people contend that some people like to study in public places where there are other people around. Others prefer to study in places where there are few or no people around. 논제 내용을 그대로 옮기기보다 표현에 변화를 주는 것이 좋습니다. I support studying study at public place. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
First of all, people should study at common places. 서론에서 이미 제시한 나의 입장은 반복할 필요가 없습니다. Heavy workload often exhausts students. Sometimes they feel disappointed at poor grades. As a result, they lose their confidence. In this case, friends are on good terms with the students can encourage them to overcome such difficulties. In this context, people study at the library. 다른 사람들이 있는 '공공장소'에서 공부하는 것에 대한 질문으로 이해해야 합니다. 친구들과 함께 공부하는 것에 대한 질문이 아니기 때문에 논점이 맞지 않습니다. 따라서 공부에 대한 중압감을 친구들이 이기게 해주고 공부하도록 격려해준다는 설명 역시 '공공장소에서 공부하는 것이 더 좋은 이유'라 볼 수 없지요. 논제 내용에 맞는 idea로 재구성해주세요. Take my experience as an example. After my first year of high school, I started losing my grip on math and my confidence to succeed in the subject. My brother tried to encourage me, but his efforts did not help at all. Then, my new friend lent me a helping hand. With a good sense of humor and gentle personality, he was popular among students and respected by them. He listened to my problem and offered me words of encouragement. I was deeply moved by his kindness and took courage from his advice. As a result, my grades greatly improved in the next semester. Without his words of encouragement, I could not overcome difficulty successfully. 사례 내용 역시 친구의 '격려'에 대한 내용이므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다.
Moreover, people have to read the book at the library. According to a survey by the Columbia university, more than two third of respondents said that they can study more efficiently at the school library. And they also argue that they could sustain solid relationship and they can help each other by studying at the public center. This indicates that people can restore their knowledge and exchange their study. 마찬가지로 '공공장소'보다 '친구들과 함께' 공부하는 것에 초점이 맞춰져 있기 때문에 off-topic의 가능성이 큽니다. 분량 역시 body paragraph로 보기에 부족합니다.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that people’s study at the public area should not only be recommened, but be encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
논점에 맞는 답변이 되도록 논제 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 적절한 idea로 재구성해주시기 바랍니다. 글을 조직하실 때 서론-본론-결론의 균형이 잘 정리될 수 있도록 분량 배분에도 신경써주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!