The car (automobile) has had a greater effect on society than the airplane.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Since the car and the airplane were invented, the lifestyle of human-being has been dramatically changed. People can go wherever they want to in a shorter time using these means of transportation. There are a lot of controversies on which has had a greater impact on society between the car and the airplane. I think the airplane has had a more dominant impact on society because the airplane has had a key role in globalization and economic growth.
To begin with, the airplane has led leads globalization. This is because it allows some products to be transferred to other country in a short time. Before inventing it, people used ships to import or export something and it took so much time to do. Moreover, ships cannot go to some places with extremely harsh conditions, such as poles. On the other hand, planes can go to everywhere and are much faster than ships. This makes it possible for more merchandise merchandises possible to be traded. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 구체적으로 비행기의 역할과 그것이 미친 영향을 연결한 부분이 좋습니다. According to the study conducted by International Association Center, the amount of imported or exported goods has been explosively increased and the variety of them has been widened since aircrafts were invented. This study clearly demonstrates how aircrafts have had an impact on society in terms of globalization. 단순히 수입/수출량이 늘고 종류가 늘었다는 것을 globalization과 연결짓기는 부족한 느낌이 듭니다. 무역과 세계화 사이의 연관성을 간단히 짚어주는 것도 좋겠습니다.
On top of that, the aircraft has had an impact on economic growth. This is because it makes a lot of jobs related to it. Airplane can be made with accumulating knowledge of a variety of fields, such as mechanical engineering and electrical engineering. Therefore, a lot of engineers can be employed for manufacturing it. In addition, pilots and flight attendants are also needed. Also, so many additional jobs can be made because of airports. The increase in job supplies can lower unemployment rate, leading society to be more active. 많은 직업을 창출해서 경제에 영향을 미쳤다는 점은 자동차 역시 비슷합니다. idea가 틀린 것은 아니지만, <자동차보다> 비행기가 사회에 더 큰 영향을 미쳤다는 점을 명확히 보여줄 수 있도록 내용을 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. According to the survey performed by the government, more than thousands of jobs can be created per one airport and it can earn thousands of millions of dollars annually. This result shows that airplane has a significant role in boosting economics. 공항이 생길 때마다 경제적 효과가 크다는 점은 여태까지 사회에 미쳐온 영향(has had a greater effect)을 보여주기에는 부적절할 것 같습니다. 비행기의 발명으로 인해 사회에 큰 변화를 가져왔던 점들을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, the invention of airplane results in globalization and aircraft can make economy more active. In this regard, I think the impact of the airplane has been more significant to society than that of the car.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 idea는 논제 방향에 적합합니다. 다만 설득력이 약하거나 논점에서 동떨어진 부분들이 아쉽습니다. 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 좀 더 <자동차보다 비행기가 더> 큰 영향을 미쳐왔다는 점이 잘 드러나도록 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!