playing computer game is a waste of time, so it should not be allowed.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people contend that playing computer game is a waste of time, so it should not be allowed. 주제 내용을 그대로 옮겨적기보다 다른 표현을 활용해 풀어주는 것이 좋습니다. However, I do not support such an argument. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but the two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
My first argument for playing computer games should be espoused. This is because is that it can be revitalizing, offering an effective outlet for releasing stress and tension. 서론에서 이미 제시한 나의 입장을 반복하기보다 컴퓨터게임을 하는 것이 '왜' 허용되는 편이 좋은지를 바로 첫 문장에서 보여주는 편이 더 clear하다는 느낌을 줍니다. As society becomes complex and faster-changing, people are increasingly tied up by heavy workload. The result is frustration, as they feel pressure to handle tons of work. Because playing computer games it is exhilarating activity, however, it can help people relieve their tension and stress. In this context, playing such games should be permitted. My own case is a good example of this. In my daily work, I am swamped with lots of tasks. In addition, I have to face difficulties arising from the complex relationships with my bosses and co-workers. By the end of each day, I return home feeling drained and gloomy. I then play computer games and try to relax. To my astonishment, even if it is only for a brief moment, I feel deeply composed and successfully stay gain some distance from stress-ridden daily routine. And I also feel energized and ready for another day to struggle with the hustle and bustle of life. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Moreover, playing games is useful in that it encourages people to have stronger ties with others around them. In today’s competitive society, people are under great pressure to outpace others, and thus lack time to be with their family and friends than they were in the past. By enjoying computer games together and sharing their fun, however, they can sustain solid relationships with other people as well as families. Therefore, the value of playing games should not be overlooked. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 구체적인 설명이 잘 제시된 부분들이 좋습니다. According to a recent survey in Health Magazine, nearly two-thirds two third of people felt that they could restore their bonds with family and friends through fun activities, including playing computer games. They also argue that they could exchange ideas and develop sympathetic bonds while playing together. This increases emotional attachment and, by extension, social awareness. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that playing computer games should not only be allowed, but (be) encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 적절한 답변이 잘 제시된 글입니다. 논지를 강조할 수 있는 부분들, 표현상 어색한 부분들을 중점적으로 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!