Some people like to have their cell or mobile phone with them at all time. Other people prefer not to bring their cell or mobile phone with them everywhere they go, or they choose not to own one at all. Which do you prefer? Explain why.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people contend that some people like to have their cell phone or mobile phone with them at all time. Other people prefer not to bring their cell or mobile phone with them everywhere they go, or they choose not to own one at all. I like to have my cell phone with me at all the time. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
First of all, I prefer bring my cell phone every moment. 휴대전화를 가지고 다니는 것을 선호한다는 입장은 이미 서론에서 밝혔으므로 반복할 필요가 없는 부분입니다. 구체적으로 '왜' 항상 가지고다니기를 선호하는지 보여줄 수 있는 이유를 정리해서 제시해주세요. This is It can be revitalizing, offering an effective outlet for releasing stress and tension. As society becomes complex and faster-changing, people are increasingly tied up by heavy workloads. The result is frustration, as they feel pressure to handle tons of work. Because bring cell phone game is exhilarating activity, however, it can help people relieve their tension and stress. 휴대전화를 가지고 다니는 것이 즐거운 활동이 될 수는 없겠지요. 휴대전화를 가지고 다니면 이러이러해서 스트레스를 잘 풀 수 있다, 하는 식으로 다듬어주세요. In this context, people should take their cell phone every moment. My own case is a good example of this. In my daily work, I am swamped with lots of tasks. In addition, I have to face difficulties arising from complex relationships with my bosses and co-workers. By the end of each day, I return home feeling drained and gloomy. Then I utilize my cell phone and post diary by using facebook. Later on, my friends try tried to encourage me and I try to relieve my stress. To my astonishment, although it is only for a brief moment, I feel deeply composed and successfully gain some distance from stress- ridden daily routine. And I also feel energized and ready for another day struggle with the hustle and bustle of life. 하루 일과를 마치고나서 휴대전화를 통해 스트레스를 푼다는 내용은 논제가 묻는 <항상 휴대전화를 지니는 것>과는 거리가 있습니다. 논제 내용에 맞게 흐름을 수정해주세요.
In addition, get having a cell phone every time in that alllows encourages people to have stronger ties with others around them. In today’s competitive society, people are under great pressure to outpace others, and thus lack time to be with their families and friends. As a result, they are less emotionally attached to their families and friends than they were in the past. By using cell phone, and contact contacting together and sharing their fun, however, they can sustain solid relationships with other people as well as families. Therefore, take cell phone every moment should not be overlooked. 적절한 설명입니다. According to a survey in Health Magazine, nearly two-thirds of two third people felt that they could restore their bonds with their family and friends through fun activities, including using cell phone. 마찬가지로 휴대전화 사용 자체는 어떤 '즐거운 활동'이라 보기 어렵습니다. 휴대전화를 활용해 가족들과 수시로 연락하면서 bond를 유지한다는 식의 연결이 되게끔 수정하는 편이 더 적절해보입니다. They also argue that they could exchange ideas and develop sympathetic bonds while communicating by with cell phone together. This increases emotional attachment and, by extension, social awareness.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that taking a cell phone every time is should not only be allowed, but (be) encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
모델에세이를 응용하실 때에는 논점에 맞는지에 유의하면서 내용을 풀어주세요. 키워드만 수정할 경우 논점이 어긋난 글이 되기 쉽습니다. 논제 내용을 정확하게 이해하고 그에 대한 답변이 될 수 있게끔 방향을 다듬어주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!