▶ Your Answer :
Alvin Toffler, the author of the book
Revolutionary Wealth, maintained that humans have innate desire to live
together. Throughout the world, many people cooperate with each other in
their lives. They not only literally live together, but they also help each
other when they have problems. Thus, when it comes to learning about life, some
people say that listening to other people is the best way. In contrast,
the others believe that it is better to learn about life through personal
experiences. Each way has its own advantages but personally, I believe that
personal experiences can teach people to learn about life better.
To begin with,
the advantage of listening to other people's advice is that it is quite objective and
wise. When people face difficulties in their lives, they tend to act or think
emotionally. However, others around them can be helpful because they can see
things with a more objective view. Moreover, other people, especially those who
have more experiences, can give you wise advice. For example, when I was having
hard time choosing my job, I was so stressed out and did not know what to do.
My parents, however, knew the solution because they had seen me for a long time
and gone through the same problem when they were in my age. After getting
advice from them, I became calm and came up with the best solution.
Second, the
advantage of learning through personal experience is that people can grow
through difficulties. Having Going through a hard time, people learn about what they should
and should not do in order not to not make the same mistakes. For instance,
according to a statistics from Harvard University, eighty percent of the
respondents said that they learned about life through personal experiences
rather than listening to others' advice. It is due to the fact that people do
not realize what is wrong until they go through consequences from their
action. (cohesion이 좋지 않는 부분입니다. 글쓴이의 입장이 조금 뜬금 없이 들어나 보입니다. 조금 더 자연 스럽게 수정하시는 것을 추천 합니다) Among the two ways, I believe that it is better to learn through one's
experience because only the person himself can live his life. Others could give
some advice about life, but it was the advice which came from their life
experiences. I believe that one should come up with their own perspective and
way of life. For example, my brother loved playing games so he spent most of
his time playing games. However, my parents told him that it is not right to
live like that. My brother thought they were wrong and kept playing games. Time
passed, and his grade started to go down. After getting an F, he knew that his
life style had problems and fixed his bad habits. This shows that people can
learn about the best way of their life through their own experiences.
To sum up, I
have mentioned about advantages of two ways of learning about life. learning
from others can give people objective and wise advice., but on the other hand,
people can grow only through making mistakes and fixing it. I agree with the
second statement because it is the only way people can make real change. <(conclusion에는 굳이 '제가 이런 말을 했습니다~' 라고 하실 필요가없습니다. 더 중요한것은 에세이의 전체 내용을 summary지어서 그것에 대한 결론은 내린후 그 결론들로 3~4개의 문장을 만들어서 conclusion을 써주시는게 좋습니다)
Overall Score: Fair (20~23) Comment: 전체적으로 글쓴이의 아이디어가 좋고 잘 반영되고 있다고 생각합니다. 세번째 문단에서의 글쓴이의 의견이 반영 되는 부분 말고는 크게 문제는 없어 보입니다. 조금더 자연스럽게 의견을 반영하는 것이 좋다고 생각합니다. 오히려 마지막에 이러한 이유로 저는 2 번째 근거가 더 좋다고 생각합니다~ 라고 하시면 더 좋을 것 같다는 생각이 듭니다. 중간에 갑자기 Among the two ways 하시면 오히려 그 내용이 새로운 문단을 시작하는 것 처럼 들립니다. 그 외에는 글안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것같습니다.
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