▶ Your Answer :Some people think that people today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-than doing things they should do. However, I don't agree with this statement concerning two reasons: people these days have more requirements and they pursuit their success more than their personal entertainment. To begin with, there are requirements more than ever<(need to elaborate). It is getting harder and harder to have a job because most of companies have has so many requirements like high GPA, the a second language, or other credentials. For example, I will tell my personal story. I sometimes told my grandfather about how hard it was difficult to get a job, and how many things people prepared for before they submitted their application. My grandfather said it was much easier to be employed only with a high school diploma in the past. In his generation, there was were few people who were educated in high school. <(이 문단의 결론이 무엇인지 모르겠습니다) On top of that, people want to succeed in society more than to enjoy their lives. Rather than their personal happiness and enjoyment, they prefer to be respected as a successful person. For instance, there was a poll conducted by Korean Labor Union to understand how many people focus more on their success than anything. An overwhelming 67% of 200 respondents ranked their success over their personal joy. To sum up, people are busy to fulfill many requirements and be successful in the future. In this regard, I don't agree that people today spend too much time on personal enjoyment. <(Need improvement)
Overall Score: Fair (17~21) Comment: Article 사용이랑 subject verb agreement를 조심해주시기를 바랍니다. 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 전달되고있는 것 같습니다. 다만 문단별 결론이 잘 도드라지지 않기 때문에 의미는 잘 전달되고있지않습니다. 문단을 읽은 후 so what? 이라는 질문을 하게 됩니다. 내용이 잘 conclude 되지 않아서 transition도 어색에 보입니다. |