▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument over whether universities should
spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries. Some people believe that
universities have to focus on instructing their students. My view, however, is
that universities must spend their budget on activities related to sports as
they do on libraries. This is largely mainly because universities can should help increase students'
academic accomplishment accomplishments to be increased. Moreover, this policy can be
beneficial to improve the reputation of universities. 토플 라이팅에 익숙하신 것 같네요~ 글의 구조와 짜임새 모두 탄탄합니다. 서두에서 본론으로 이어지는 부분도 좋습니다. Introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 것은 thesis statement인데, thesis statement에서는 주제와 주장을 제시하고, 근거들도 나열 해주셔야 합니다. 보통 정석대로라면 이 모두 한 문장에 담지만, 이렇게 끊어서 설명해주시는 것도 나쁘진 않습니다. 몇몇 어색한 표현들만 고쳐주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
To
begin with, students are better able to be motivated to study harder ("better"과 "harder"의 의미가 겹칩니다) by
relieving their stress. It is a well-known fact that nowadays many students are
anxious about their school work and scholarships as well as excessive
competition among them. They often feel that they need to relieve their stress (두가지 이상의 내용을 서술해야 한다면 끊어서 설명해주시는 것이 더 이해하기 쉬울 것 같습니다), which means that they feel need to relieve their
stress. In this situation, universities are able to should assist their college
students. For example, there were two universities around my home house, namely Inha University
and Inchoen University. In case of Inha University, they mounted facilities
related to sports activities and held a lot of festival festivals recently. A few months
later, students of Inha University could not only improve their academic achievement achievements not
only that, but also relieve they relieved their stress. In contrast, in case of Incheon University,
they did not construct any amenities and did not hold any festivals. As a result,
students of Incheon University seemed stressful and they could not be
motivated. As the example shows, universities can aid their students' progress
in their school work. 먼저, 첫번째 body paragraph에서 제시한 근거와 예시가 굉장히 구체적이라 설득력이 있어요. 개인적으로 알고 있는 지식을 토대로 설명해주셔서 주장을 잘 뒷받침하고 있는 것 같습니다. 다만, 체육 수업이 초래한 결과에 대해서는 검증된 것이 아니라, 개인적 관찰을 통해 알게된 사실이니, 설명해주실 때 조금 조심하셔야 할 것 같아요. 또, "어떻게" 학생들의 학업 능력을 향상시켰는지 더 구체적으로 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문단의 마지막에는 전체적인 문단을 요약하는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 더욱 좋습니다.
Furthermore,
it is helpful to spend as much much money on sports in improving the reputation of
universities (글의 주어와 목적어가 엉켜있어 이해하기가 조금 어렵습니다) investing in sports can improve the reputation of universities. In general, universities are interested in their fame more than anything of themselves
compared to others. Therefore, if universities spend budget on sports
activities as they do on academic works, they can improve their reputation.
According to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Harvard University,
more than two-thirds of top-ranked universities ranked top invested their budget on sports facilities acidities. Also, the study reveals that this can contribute to gaining fame among other universities it could contribute to getting more
desirable renown compared to others. Besides, they could can attract more prospective
student students. As the example shows, it can aids sports can help universities improve their fame,
which more students will be attracted them. 제시해주신 주장과 근거는 정말 참신하지만, 논리적 연결이 약간 부족합니다ㅠㅜ 스포츠가 학교의 명예를 높여줄 수는 있지만, 구체적으로 어떻게 그런지 설명을 해주셔야 합니다. 예를 들어, 학교의 스포츠 시설이 좋다면 체육에 관심있는 학생들을 끌어들일 수 있다던지, 또는, 학교가 좋은 운동 선수들을 배출하여 각종 대회에서 우승한다면 학교의 명예를 높일 수 있다 라는 식의 논리적 연결이 필요합니다. 또, 문장 구조와 문법 문제로는, 최대한 간결한 형태를 유지해 주세요.
To sum
up, universities should spend as much money on sports as they do on school
works on the grounds that because universities can assist students' academic success
and make they can have the opportunities to improve their reputation (근거를 나열하며 여러가지를 설명하실 때, 병렬구조를 꼭 유지해주세요). Conclusion paragraph에 필요한 요소를 모두 다 잘 써주셨습니다. 사소한 문법적 오류만 신경써주신다면 문제 없을 것 같습니다~
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
영어에도 능숙하시지만 글을 쓰는 법을 잘 알고 계신 것 같습니다~ 글의 주장과 예시 모두 참신하고 설명도 충실히 잘 해주셨습니다. 글의 구조나 부연 설명 부분을 조금만 다듬으시면 더욱 좋을 것 같아요. 문법이나 문장 구조로는 크게 지적할 부분은 없지만, 전반적으로 간결하게 쓰는 습관을 들이신다면 실수를 줄이실 수 있을 것 같네요. 또, 관용구 표현과 효율적인 단어 선택에 신경써주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 4.25/5 -> 27/30 |