Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should visit some museums, like science museums, art museums and history museums.
Living in with a high-speed internet access world, people can easily access much information such as history and science online. For this reason, some people say that students don’t need to visit museums and they are not necessary for it doesn’t help students to them study. But, in my opinion, it is still valuable worth to visit museums, especially for students, because it can make students feel the reality and interest.
First of all, students can feel the reality when they visit museum. Most of museums display related things together, and sometimes they design the showing place concentrated on the displayed things. (When we visit National history museum in Korea, we can see that the their interior is designed as the time as the display were used.) Through this, students may feel the reality about exhibits, the feeling that students can’t get through through the internet searching or books. Although virtual reality technology is improving, seeing through other material cannot give more reality than actually visiting the place and experiencing. (이 문단에서 students can feel the reality라는 건 인터넷이나 책에서 사진을 보고 정보를 듣는 것 보다 직접 가서 그 분위기를 느껴보는 게 더 좋다는 의미에서 쓰인것이네요. 좀 더 디테일하게 비교를 해주시면 더 효과적일 수 있을 것 같아요. 예를 들어, 박물관을 직접 가면 그 때 상황을 재연한 영상이라던지, 목소리로 나오는 설명이라던지가 있고, 직접 체험해 볼 수 있는 공간도 있어서 좀 더 리얼하다. 인터넷을 보거나 책을 읽을 때 처럼 단순히 사진을 보고 설명을 읽는 평면적인 것과는 차이가 있어서 이 점이 좋다. 때문에 이는 학생들에게 더 값진 경험을 하고 배울 수 있게 해준다~ 라는 결론까지 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다^^)
Second, students may find found interest of their study. Feeling reality has more than just feeling, but it makes students be interested to the subject of the museum such as science or history. There was a research held by Seoul national university of education about teaching method. They tried to improve the effect of experiencing compared to class lecture. There were two groups of similar degrees about history and one group was made to visit the museum, while and the other was made to have lecture in a class room(,)Both groups were accompanied by the and both had same teacher. Result was interesting(,) : the first group, the one that who made to visited the museum, had improved more in history degrees and interest in history than the second group. Visiting museum gives not only more information but make student interested in the field of their study. (예시 적합하나 조금만 더 정리하여 말씀해주시면 좋겠습니다. 구체적으로 하나를 딱 찝어서 말씀해주시면 더 좋겠는데요, 예를 들어 한 그룹은 과학 박물관에 여러 번 가서 직접 보고 체험도 해봤고, 다른 그룹은 학교에서 수업만 들었다. 그랬더니 나중에 첫 번째 그룹에서 과학에 대한 흥미도가 높게 보였고, 실제로 과학 분야로 간 사람들이 많았다.~같은 식으로 "과학"이라던지 "역사"라던지, 하나를 골라 구체적으로 말씀해주시면 더 좋겠습니다~)
Most of students in Korea are busy studying for their study to get a high degree, and this makes them hard to get interest on their study. Visiting museum may give them different sight about their study, giving more information from reality and giving interest about their study.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (18~24)
총평:
전반적으로 아이디어와 예시를 잘 잡아주신 것 같습니다. 조금 아쉬운 점은 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 좀 더 구체적이고 주장을 강하게 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 방향으로 예시를 써주셨으면 하는거구요, 또한 본문 문단의 topic sentence (전체 에세이에서는 이유 부분에 해당되는 부분)을 좀 더 명확하게 써주시면 하는 점입니다. Topic sentence를 잘 쓰는 것이 에세이에서 정말 중요하기 때문에 이 점 꼭 알아두시고 고쳐주세요~ 문법 오류도 조금 많이 보였는데, 위에서 고쳐드린 부분 체크해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다 :)