In this quickly changing world, people are less happy than they were in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In current society changing at fast pace, some people insist that people are less happy than they were in the past, while others may not. The answer to this argument can vary greatly depending on individual’s perspectives. However, in my opinion, I definitely believe that people living in contemporary society are happier than they were in the past for two major reasons as follows.
First off, people today are enjoying the benefits of advanced technology thanks to the help of drastic development in technology. In our daily lives, there are a lot of aspects which became more convenient compared to the past with the progress of technology. 기술의 발전으로 더 편리한 삶을 살고 있어서 행복하다는 연결이 적절합니다. 기술이 사람들의 삶을 어떻게 편리하게 해 주는지에 대한 설명을 간단하게 한 문장 정도 보완해줘도 좋을 것 같아요. The prime example to illustrate this point is the advent of the Internet. Nowadays, it is easy for our generation to search information regardless of places and time. With one click of a button, people today are able to find tons of information in a few seconds. In contrast, it was hard for people living in the past to find information since they had to find analogue sources such as paper books or news papers. In this regard, people in the past would be less happy they we are in the current world as they were are not able to enjoy the convenience of advanced technology like us. 적절한 사례 내용입니다.
Furthermore, people in modern society have more spare time to enjoy their hobbies which contribute to improving the quality of lives. Technology that makes people’s living more convenient has been remarkably developed in the last a few years. In this context, it became possible for people to have time for their leisure. 편리함이 곧 여가시간의 증가로 연결되는 것은 아니므로 편리해졌다는 단순한 표현보다는 [사람들이 하던 일을 기계가 대신하거나 오래 걸렸던 것들을 빠르게 처리할 수 있게 되어서->여가를 위해 활용할 시간이 상대적으로 더 많아졌다]하는 식으로 구체적인 흐름을 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. body1에서 '편리한 삶'을 제시한 것과 구분짓기에도 좋고요. 여가시간을 잘 보내는 것이 행복감을 준다는 부분을 전제사항으로 명시해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 사람들의 여가시간이 늘어나서 더 행복하다는 idea나 관련 사례 내용은 아주 좋습니다. For instance, my grandmother often told me how inconvenient her life was in the past. These days, there are a lot of electronic appliances which help us deal with chores easily. However, during my grandmother’s generation, that kind of electronic devices did not exist. She could not have any time to enjoy hobbies because it took so long time for her to deal with chores. However In case of me, on the contrary, I can spend my time enjoying my hobbies thanks to a washing machine. This clears clearly demonstrates that happiness level of people today from enjoying leisure is are higher than the one of people in the past.
For the reasons stated above, I am convinced that people in modern society are happier than those in the past.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전반적인 논리 흐름이나 idea의 적절성 모두 좋습니다. 몇 가지 문법 오류에 유의해주시고, 설명 과정에서 논리 흐름에 맞는 구체적인 설명을 제시할 수 있도록 수정보완해주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!