The factors of Egypt collapse
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The lecturer admits there are some factors that caused the collapse of Egypt Old Kingdom but does dose not agree to the reasons that the passage introduces.
To begin with, the lecturer argues it is likely that the provincial governors gave a loyalty to pharaoh because obeying to him provided them additional benefits and the empire kept the powerful army. This casts cast doubt on the reading passage's claim that the revolt of the provincial governors weakened loose the authority to the regional power. 지방세력의 반란을 main point로 잡은 것은 적절해보입니다. lecture부분에서 빠진 detail은 없는지 체크해보시고, 현재 문장도 내용 단위로 끊어서 흐름이 명확해지도록 다듬어주세요.
In addition, the lecturer points that the weather change was not the factor to make the kingdom collapsed. According to another analysis of historical documents record, the terrible drought happened to only eastern part of Old Kingdom so that most of land took advantage of the annual Nile floods. This casts cast doubt on the reading passage's claim that dramatic decrease in the annual Nile floods due to sever severe drought decreased fell the agriculture produce and brought about happened famine. 대립되는 point가 명확한 것이 좋습니다. 설명 내용 역시 잘 정리된 것 같아요.
Lastly, the lecturer claims that Pepi II was not the pharaoh who had did not have long reign period enough to make that made the rivalry among successors. In addition, the power struggle was common and it hadn't made collapse for many kingdoms. Even it could be the factors, the centralized organization was enough to drive the troubles to end quickly. This argument refutes that the reading passage's claim that the long period of governing and the compete for power contributed to the end of the empire. 대립되는 point나 detail내용 모두 적절합니다. 일목요연한 요약문을 요구하는 문제이므로 좀 더 표현을 간결하게 다듬어보셔도 좋겠습니다.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–28)
전반적으로 내용 정리에 필요한 부분을 잘 노트테이킹해주신 것 같습니다. 각 문단의 point에 초점을 두고 대립되는 내용들도 잘 정리된 편입니다. 제가 정확하게 지문의 내용을 모르는 상태에서 요약 형식이나 detail들만을 가지고 평가한 부분이므로 꼭! 문제지의 답안과 직접 확인하셔서 노트테이킹에서 빠진 부분이나 잘못 이해된 부분은 없는지 내용 체크해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^화이팅!