Looks are more impotrant than ideas
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is often said that looks are more important than ideas, as they think one’s ideas are not revealed at ease but appearance cannot be hidden. However, I disagree with this point of view and believe that there is nothing more important than ideas. There are the most important two of many reasons.
To begin with, I think that those who have creative and prominent ideas can succeed easier than those who are not but have fascinating face. That a person thinks creatively means that he can think ideas others cannot come up with. Also, it means that while general people are hard to come up with the creative idea just with efforts, most of them who think differently have a tendency of inherent. Therefore, they can have chance to be famous people in a variety of fields. On the contrary, those who just have lure appearance may have rarely have chances unless they struggle to study hard or have surprising ideas. 좋은 아이디어를 가진 사람이 성공할 가능성이 많다는 idea자체는 적절합니다. 다만 노력으로는 안 되고 타고난 재능이라거나 남들이 생각하지 못하는 방식으로 생각하는 게 좋은 idea라는 사실이 왜 '성공'으로 이어지는지가 명확하지 않습니다. idea가 좋아야 성공한다는 점 자체를 설득력있게 풀어낼 수 있도록 설명 부분을 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 관련된 사례 내용도 보완해주시고요.
Furthermore, I would like to say that the looks have more huge influence on others, who can be helpful or important people to you, than the ideas. 나의 입장과 반대되는 서술입니다. 입장에 맞게 서술해주세요. 또한 첫 문장에는 "이러이러한 점에서 idea가 외모보다 중요하다"라는 main idea가 제시되어야 합니다. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 흐름 다듬어주세요. This is because one’s look looks is apt to last for a short period of time but one’s ideas may last for a very long period time and even for a whole life. In addition, many people tend to want to spend their time with people who they are able to learn from. 사람들이 배울 점이 많은 사람과 사귀고 싶어 한다는 설명이 어떤 면에서 idea의 중요성을 뒷받침해주는지 이해하기 어렵습니다. 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 예를 들어 idea가 좋아야 human network를 잘 쌓을 수 있다, 하는 식으로 idea를 먼저 제시하고, idea가 좋으면 왜 사람들을 잘 사귈 수 있는지+사람들을 잘 사귀는 것이 왜 중요한지를 설명해서 논리를 구성해볼 수 있습니다. I will give you an a example about this. When it is the first day of my high school, I went to my class with both nervous and pleasant mind. Many classmates liked a woman who was very beautiful and neat but they seemed seem not to like me at all. However, about at the end of the first semester, the situation was reversely changed. This is because they thought think there was is anything good aspect for her he but for her pretty face. but They say said to me that they sometimes were are surprised with me because of my brilliant ideas and that they wanted want to learn from me. After the day, we became are best friends and for today unthil now we have helped each other in a bad situation. But anyone does not know the girl’s news. 논제와의 연관성을 잘 모르겠습니다. 사람들이 외모보다 결국엔 idea를 보게 되어 있다는 점을 증명하기보다 이것이 정말 도움이 됐다는 점을 증명해주는 편이 입장을 support하기에 좋을 것 같아요.
Admittedly, the appearance of people is very important. However, as for me, how outstanding ideas a person has have ideas is are much more important than how the person look be shown for above reasons.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
전반적으로 idea의 명확성이 약하다는 점, 논제와의 연관성이 부족하다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 나의 주장이 더 설득력을 가질 수 있게끔 연결고리를 보완해주시고, 사례 내용도 더 적절한 내용으로 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!