volunteer work should be mandatory for college students.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether volunteer work should be mandatory for college students. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, volunteer work allows college students to improve a sense of responsibility. Throughout volunteer work, students can meet a lot of those in need. Also, helping others is important issues because it will create students to improve a sense of responsibility of our society. Involved in teaching duties of a part of society, volunteer work should be obligatory for college students. 책임감을 기를 수 있어서 좋다는 idea가 반복되어 있을 뿐 '구체적인 설명' 이 빠져 있습니다. [봉사활동을 하면 책임감을 길러서 좋다. 왜냐하면 사회에 대한 책임감을 기를 수 있기 때문이다]라는 흐름은 논리가 부족하지요. 다른 사람들을 도움으로써 어떻게 책임감을 기를 수 있는지를 설명해주세요. idea자체는 reasonable합니다. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2012, students who pursue volunteer work to be better adult than their peers who do not work because through volunteer work, they already know better how to handle multiple tasks and responsibilities and can consequently manage their time well than their peers who do not work . On the whole, students who should do be given volunteer work are more mature and better equipped to succeed than their non-doing peers. These benefits extend far outside the classroom. 사례 부분은 적절하니 설명 부분만 수정보완해주세요.
On top of that, voluntary service plays a significant role in getting a job more easily. There are many companies that require need some grades of volunteering to young students in university because a variety of activities are is increasingly moving into substantial attention in our globalized world. 밑줄 친 내용은 없는 편이 낫습니다. 인과관계가 맞지 않습니다. In this regard, that, students have to gain good grades by voluntary service and by doing this, they can repel their strong competitors and finally enter a good company that they want. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2010, those who can do a lot of multiple voluntary work currently have an enormous competitive advantage over those who cannot because developing and industrialized company are increasingly moving into economies based on the creativeness. 이 부분 역시 마찬가지로 창의성과 봉사활동의 관련성이 없으므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 모델에세이를 응용할 때 특히 이런 인과관계 부분을 신경써서 다듬어주세요. Most of the companies request jobseeking people to have more diverse experience through voluntary work. Also, the studies study pointed out that the number of employment opportunities available to non-volunteering people will contribute continue to decline precipitously as a result of this trend.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement that college students should be obligated volunteer work for the reasons I mentioned above. Once again, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority people who are in favor of my claims.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
각 본론의 주장 자체는 reasonable합니다. 이에 대한 설명이 설득력있게 이어질 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 모델에세이를 응용할 때 불필요한 사족들이 생기지 않도록 꼼꼼하게 체크해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!