Parents are the best teachers agree or disagree?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people would undoubtedly say no, if they were asked about whether parents are the best teachers. They would point out that school teachers have more knowledge and are specialized in several areas. However, they seem to be missing something more important. I believe that there is no person in the world who can teach children better than their parents. This idea will be discussed based on the two perspectives: children primarily ask questions for parents in order to satisfy their curiosity. Plus, parents know effective ways teaching their children.
To begin with, children usually get an answer by talking to their parents. Young children people always have a wide variety of questions and curiosities. Since they spend much time with their parents, they can easily access to the parents and look forward to obtaining right answers from them. 부모님들에게 질문하기 쉽고 옳은 답변을 기대한다는 설명은 논리가 약합니다. 부모가 실질적으로 아이들에게 많은 것을 가르쳐줄 수 있다는 점까지 논증해주는 편이 '최고의 선생님'이라는 입장과 연결하기에 좋습니다. 단순히 아이들이 자주 질문한다는 설명이나 아이들은 부모가 좋은 답변을 줄 거라고 생각한다는 정도의 뉘앙스로 이해될 수 있으니까요. 부모가 최고의 선생님이라는 입장과 연결될 수 있도록 내용을 더 보완해주세요. For example, I read internet news showing the results of research researching about the children learning. According to the news, children spend the most time with their parents and when they were asked that “when you have a question, which one will you choose and ask?” , 70% of children chose choice their parents. Also, the news showed that a lot of children told that they were satisfied with parents’ answers. This strongly reveal that many children rely on their parents to get new information and actually procure useful information from them. So, I think parents are the best teacher. 마찬가지로 부모에게 가장 질문을 많이 하고 아이들이 만족한다는 설명만으로는 설득력이 떨어집니다. 삶의 전반적인 생활습관을 가장 잘 가르쳐줄 수 있는 것이 부모라거나 사소한 부분까지도 답변해줄 수 있는 사람이 부모기 때문에 좋은 선생님이다, 하는 식으로 논리를 좀 더 발전시켜보면 좋을 것 같아요.
In addition, parents can educate children more efficiently than others. It is important for teachers to educate students using right methods which correspond with children’s desires and styles. Since parents have educated their children for a long time, they know that which ways are useful to teach their children. 적절한 주장과 설명입니다. 좋은 선생님의 조건에 대해 언급하고, 부모가 이 조건을 갖추고 있다는 점을 설명해서 논증한 부분이 아주 좋습니다. For example, when I was a 10 years old, I learned about water in the elementary school. My teacher explained how water evaporates and freezes reading the a school book. However I did not like to learn the new knowledge reading the book. I really wanted to see the phenomenon doing the experiment. So, after the class, I talked to my father about this situation and my father brought me to the water museum. In the museum, father explained the phenomenon doing experiments together. Thanks to father’s help, I could clearly understand about water. This indicates that show that parents are an excellent teacher. 아이를 잘 이해하고 있고 아이에게 가장 효과적인 학습방법을 알고 있다는 주장을 보여주기에는 연관성이 부족한 것 같아요. 내가 하고 싶은 것을 아빠에게 말했더니 아빠가 들어줬다는 내용으로는 아이를 잘 이해해서 잘 가르친다는 점을 보여줄 수 없지요. 주장은 "부모가 가장 효율적인 교육방법을 알고 있다"이므로 이 주장이 잘 드러나게끔 사례 내용을 다듬어주세요.
In conclusion, children primarily ask questions to solve the problems and parents already know proper ways to educate their children well. On the whole, I agree with the idea that parents are the best teachers.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–19)
body1에서 아이들이 질문을 많이 한다는 주장은 설득력이 약하고, body2에서 내가 원하는대로 하게 해 줬다는 사례 내용은 주장을 support하기에는 연관성이 떨어집니다. body1에서는 설득력을, body2에서는 unity&coherence를 중점적으로 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!