You have decided to give several hours of your time each month to improve the community where you live. What is one thing you will do to improve your community? Why? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
I live in a developing country, with a lot of safety issues and a huge wealth gap. Several times, I have seen people getting arrested on in the streets. From my condominum, I can see slums, in terrible conditions. There would be numerous ways to improve this community. However, I believe that the most crucial thing to do is educating the underpriviledged abiding here, as the education system of this country is not the best, and a good opportunity to learn can lead to an improved life style.
First of all, I would spend my time to teach teaching people of this community because they cannot get a good education elsewhere. Although there are public schools, the quality is rather low. For instance, according to an article my teacher shared with the class, 30% of the math teachers in the city I live in failed- recieved getting a score lower than 65%- in a math test given by the state. One even got every problem wrong. Nevertheless, the state could not fire any of the teachers, as their positions were protected by law, and they are still teaching students at school. The children would not be able to learn very well from teachers who do not know the subject well either. Therefore, I think giving proper lessons to people would be an important task I should work for. 내가 교육을 결심하기로 한 배경에 대해서 구체적으로 잘 설명한 부분입니다. 교육이 낙후되어 있기 때문이라는 점이 잘 제시되어 있습니다. 이 부분에서 따라서 이 아이들이 교육을 제대로 받지 못하고 있는 실정인데, 내가 이러이러한 일을 할 수 있다, 하는 식으로 간단하게 '이러니까 내가 하려고 한다'하는 부분을 더 피력하는 것도 좋겠습니다.
Secondly, a good education improves a person's quality of life very much. They One can acquire a wider perspective of viewing the world by learning properly. Furthermore, he or she could get a better job than they had. 사례를 제시하기 전에 main idea에 대한 general한 설명을 더 보완해주세요. 교육을 받으면 왜 시야가 넓어지고 더 좋은 직업을 받을 수 있는지에 대한 '일반적인' 설명이 더 필요합니다. In my school, which is private and very prestigious, constituting consisting mostly of international students, there is a community service program in which selected students give English lessons to the underpriviledged. It has been going on for almost fifteen years, a one hour class every weekend, with a solid organization. It has produced substantial results. I have met a participant who studied for seven years, taking part in this program. He had started off not knowing a single word in English, but now, he could fluently convey what he wanted to say. He told me that he used to work in a supermarket, carrying things around. Today, he worked for a local company that worked with international organizations, with his English skills. Not only that, The different cultures he had learned of from the students who taught him English, as they came from various countries, were helping him with his job. , he also told me. 구체적인 사례를 잘 풀어서 설명해주셨습니다. 이 부분에서 사례 이전에 general하게 내가 하고자 하는 '교육'의 장점을 강조해줄 수 있어야 하므로 그 부분에도 시간을 투자해주시고 사례의 불필요한 내용들을 생략해서 분량 비율을 맞춰주세요. 처음엔 한 단어도 몰랐는데 이제 잘 안다, 하는 식의 내용은 사족에 가까우므로 생략해도 괜찮겠지요.
An opportunity to receive a good education is scarce in the country I live in. A high quality education can make people's lives better substantially. For these two reasons, I would use my time to teach the people of the community I am part of to improve it.
* 여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준을 참고하세요.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
* 서론에서 하고자 하는 일을 소개하고->그 이유를 두 가지로 나누어서 환경 설명 / 기대효과 설명으로 body를 제시한 부분이 아주 좋습니다. 토플 에세이 문제는 주로 설득력과 논리적 구성을 채점하는 문제이기 때문에 주장이 clear하게 제시되고 그에 대해 '설득하는' 방향의 논설문 형태 글을 써 주시는 것이 좋아요. 따라서 구체적인 사례를 설명하는 것도 좋지만 각 문단의 main idea가 강조될 수 있도록 general한 설명도 일정하게 풀어주는 것이 좋습니다. 독립형에서는 주로 statement를 제시하고 agree/disagree를 묻는 문제가 주로 출제되므로 agree/disagree유형의 문제로 연습하는 것이 도움이 됩니다. body의 주장에 대한 설명의 연결고리를 보완해주시고 문법실수 점검할 수 있는 시간 여유 조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!