It was easier to become successful in the past than it is today.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether it was easier to become successful in the past than it is today. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual’s perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I disagree with the statement. I will present two reasons supporting my standpoints as follows.
First of all, it became easier for ordinary people to be successful with the advancement of the Internet today. Nowadays, common people have easy access to the Internet and some of them sometimes become popular and successful all of sudden, who is called ‘Internet Star.’ 인터넷을 통해 쉽게 유명해지고 성공할 수 있다는 설명 내용이 좋습니다. 인터넷 기술이 왜, 어떻게 사람들을 쉽게 유명해지게 하고 성공하게 하는지에 대한 내용을 더 구체적으로 보완해주면 좋을 것 같아요. The best example to illustrate this point is the story of Psy who became a world-famous star through the Internet. He was just a normal singer in Korea but one day he started to get attention from all over the world after his comic music video won win the jackpot on the global site. If Psy lived in the past, he would not be able to become successful since it would be difficult for him to let people in the world know his music video without the Internet. Thanks to the help of the Internet, he was able to get a lot of fans in the world and become successful. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Moreover, people in current society are able to get information that is required to be successful more easily than people in the past due to the technology development. If people nowadays want tips about their career, they are able to search for the information with a click of their mouse button through the Internet. On the other hand, people in the past had much more difficulty in getting information because the Internet was not available at that time. 주제문의 전달력이 높아지도록 더 간결하게 다듬어보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 성공에 정보가 필요하다는 전제를 제시하고 이 정보를 인터넷으로 '쉽게' 얻을 수 있다는 점이 잘 연결된 논리 흐름이 아주 좋습니다. For instance, when my uncle decided to start an online shopping mall, he did not have any knowledge or knowhow about the field. In order to get some tips he searched for information on the Internet very hard, and he was able to find a lot of information that was is necessary to run online business. Based on this information, he was able to run the business successfully and now he is considered successful in online shopping mall industry in Korea. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
For the reasons stated above, I disagree that it was easier to become successful in the past than it is today. Thanks to the Internet, it became easier for people in current society to be successful than the people living in the past.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전반적인 idea나 논리 흐름이 아주 좋습니다^^ body1의 구체적인 설명 부분이나 body2의 마무리 부분이 다소 아쉽습니다. 코멘트 참고하셔서 idea에 대한 구체적인 설명 부분, 사례 내용과 주장을 연결해서 마무리하는 부분만 improve해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 투투대마왕님 화이팅!