Movies and television have negative effects on young people.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether movies and television have negative influence on young people. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individual individual’s perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the statement that people are negatively affected by movies and television for the reasons as follows.
To start with, such media are able to be used by people for the purpose of education. One of the most important traits of movies and television shows is that these media convey information through vivid images and sounds unlike other media. Such characteristics make it possible for people to understand program contents easily compared to other media such as paper books or news papers. 정보전달력이 뛰어나기 때문에 교육적인 목적으로 사용될 수 있어 좋다는 흐름이 적절합니다. 다른 매체와 달리 방송내용을 더 잘 이해하게 해준다는 내용으로 마무리할 것이 아니라 '교육'이라는 키워드와 한 번 더 연결해서 '그렇기 때문에 교육적인 내용을 효과적으로 전달하는 데 적극적으로 활용함으로써 긍정적인 영향을 미친다'하는 식으로 논증을 마무리해서 더 appeal해주는 것도 좋겠습니다. To take my personal story for example, when I was in high school, I learned the process of digestion in the biology class. At first, I just read explanation in the book and it was difficult to understand the concept. it. However, on the other hand, when I watched a documentary about the topic later, I was able to completely comprehend it because the documentary explained the process with motional images and captivating sounds. As seen in this case, movies and television programs these media are an effective tool way for the purpose of education.
Furthermore, watching movies and television shows is one of the representative ways for people to relieve stress. In current society, modern people often enjoy spending their spare time watching various kinds of movies and entertaining TV shows. This is due to the fact that people are able to forget about all the worries in their daily lives and take pleasure in watching them. 스트레스를 풀어준다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 스트레스를 푸는 것의 중요성이나 효용을 간단하게 appeal해서 설득력을 높이는 것도 좋겠습니다. For example, I often watch television programs for the purpose of entertainment such as comedy shows and sitcoms. While I am watching them, I forget about all the serious matters in my daily life and just focus on laughing at hilarious scenes. This example shows that movies and television shows have positive effects on modern people by helping them relieve stress.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)
크게 논점에 어긋나는 부분 없이 적절한 idea와 논리 전개가 잘 구성된 글입니다. 주장을 강조해줄 수 있는 부분이나 표현 부분들만 점검해보시면 될 것 같아요. 가급적 body1과 body2의 분량이 비슷해지도록 내용배분해주시는 것이 좋으니 참고하시고요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!