과거의 사람들은 오늘날의 사람들에 비해 건강식을 섭취했는가?
It is often said that people in the past ate healthier food since there was were less pollution which influences edible things. However, as far as I’m concerned, people living today are having better food to keep them healthy for two reasons: in the past, we had inferior preservation method, and a lot of people at that time didn’t concern about nutritious meal.
First of all, the level of preservation method was low in the past. Freshness of food is very important element for healthy food. This is because as time goes by, not only would helpful materials like vitamin be destroyed, but also the number of harmful bacteria would grow up, and when we eat such food, we might suffer from disease such as food poisoning and gastroenteritis. Since there was lack of preservation technology, people had a hard time ingesting to ingest lot of kinds of food. '보존기술이 부족해서 사람들이 음식을 삼키기 힘들었다'는 표현은 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 음식을 오래 저장하는 기술이 부족했기 때문에 사람들이 영양소가 파괴되거나 좋지 않은 균이 많은, 즉 건강하지 않은 음식을 먹게 될 위험이 지금보다 컸다. 하는 식으로 다듬으면 좋을 것 같아요. In case of blueberry, due to its easily spoiled characteristic nature, people living far from its farmlands hardly obtained it in spite of its usefulness for staying healthy. However, today, blueberry is sold almost in every market around the country because preservation method and technologies have been developed. In that we can buy healthy and fresh food near our home, people living today are eating healthier food. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 다만 앞부분의 내용이 과거 보존기술이 발달하지 못해 음식의 영양소가 파괴되고 상한 음식을 먹게 될 위험이 많았다, 그래서 오늘날은 안전하다는 내용만 설명된 반면 사례에서는 보존기술이 발달해서 먼 곳의 식자재도 쉽게 접할 수 있다는 내용이 결론인 것처럼 비칠 수 있으므로 설명 부분에서 먼저 연결고리를 보완해주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 쉽게 상하는 음식을 오래 보존할 수 있게 되어서->재배지로부터 멀리 살고 있는 사람들도 영양을 누릴 수 있다, 하는 부분까지 설명하는 연결고리를 보완해주세요.
Also, there were less concerns concern about health in the past, and the food they ate was likely to not healthy food. Since there was lack of the amount of food to eat, people were just satisfied with the food they could obtain whatever they got get. Moreover, due to that condition, they had to find how they could enjoy their meal not from nutritious ingredients, but from like salty and pungent tastes. Such kinds of tastes are bad for health because it can cause or intensify high blood pressure, arthritis, and gastric cancer. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 사족을 달자면->음식이 부족한 실정에서 균형있는 영양을 챙기기보다 맛을 추구했다는 내용도 적절하지만 식량공급 자체가 불안정하고 힘들었던 과거에 영양소를 챙기기보다 배를 불리기에 급급했다는 내용만으로도 과거의 상황을 설명하기에 충분하기 때문에 오늘날의 상황을 대조적으로 설명하는 것이 논지를 강화하는 데 더 좋을 것 같아요. living standard가 올라가면서 식량이 풍부해졌다는 점을 설명하면서 오늘날 사람들은 영양소를 고려해서 균형맞는 식사를 하게 되었다는 점을 appeal할 수 있습니다. My grandmother, now 85 years old, experienced Korean War and many years of hard time of Korea. She also had a hard time economically as most other people had. Since she could not eat appropriate amount of protein and mineral, she is short while her sons and daughters are tall. Also, when she was young, what she could intake was nearly only rice, so to enjoy her meal, she had few choices but to use salty and sharp-tasting spices. Due to the eating habit, she has suffered from high blood pressure and arthritis. In this sense, people in the past did not have had healthier food than people living in modern society. 문단의 unity에 맞게 잘 구성된 사례입니다.
In summary, in the past, people had troubles to get fresh food in that the preservation technology was less developed, and most people didn’t have enough supply money to buy of nutritious food; furthermore, most of them had bad habits for eating like preferring salty or pungent food. Therefore, the food people ate in the past could not be said as healthier food compared comparing to that of today.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea가 명확하고 이에 대한 논증도 단계적으로 잘 풀려 있습니다. 문단의 unity를 평가하기에 좋게끔 문단을 구성하신 부분이 아주 좋습니다. 간혹 문법오류나 어색한 단어활용 등이 눈에 띕니다. 단어와 숙어 사용 연습을 많이 해서 자연스러운 글이 될 수 있도록 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 봉구님 화이팅!