아이들은 집안일을 하며 가족을 도와야 하는가 혹은 공부하고 놀아야 하는가?
It is often said that children need not to (need를 조동사로 쓴 경우이기 때문에 to는 빼주셔야 합니다) work and letting them study and play is better since they are young. However, as far as I’m am (에세이에서 줄임법의 사용은 좋지 않습니다) concerned, children also should also help families with household chores for two reasons: children can learn the sense of responsibility, and parents can lead them to know about the hardness of working for family at home
First of all, the sense of responsibility could be taught by doing house chores. This is attributed to the fact that through the consequences that arise (접속사인 that이 두번 연속으로 들어가면서 문장이 복잡해졌어요.) from negligent actions on assigned work, children learn the importance of obligation. I have a cousin who was lazy and selfish. In the past, he didn’t not clean his room, never had washed dishes, and even (hardly에는 even의 부분적인 의미도 포함하고 있습니다. 생략가능해요) hardly arranged his bed. About 6 months ago, his mother was angry at his behavior and make him do some household (chores에는 귀찮은 집안일 이라는 뜻도 있습니다 household는 생략 가능해요) chores including washing the dishes after having dinner, cleaning his room and bathroom every day, and washing his inner ware every evening. He has changed little by little after promising to do some hose chores. He realized that his laziness could bring a poor result for family members, and therefore he became more punctual and came to considerate of others better. As a result, he learned the hard way to be more punctual and responsible to avoid unnecessary hardship.
Also, Moreover, (Also로 문장을 시작하는 것은 좋지 않습니다. Moreover로 대체해주세요) children could realize how much their parents try to raise them from doing assigned housework, (chores라는 단어가 반복적으로 사용되고 있습니다. 약간의 변화를 주세요) household chores, and they come to consider them as the most precious ones. Since mothers usually work for homes at home during the daytime when their children are in school, they children (mother과 children 둘 중 어느것이 대명사에 속하는지 알수 없습니다. 주어를 분명히 해주는게 좋아요) are not well aware of how hard they work. However, children need to learn the hardness of the work. This is because from understanding his or her mother’s exertion, the child can feel thankfulness thank their mothers and get to know her their love for him. This would lead him to realize that he is a valuable being. For example, in 2002, the psychology department of California University in the US conducted a research about correlation between aspects of domestic division of labor and the emotional state of the children. The results showed that the children who have helped their household chores housework were more cooperative persons in a group and had more stable emotional state, thinking they themselves are valuable ones. In this sense, having them do certain part of housework chores is the way for them to know how they are loved and precious beings.
To sum up, when children do some part of their household chores, they can feel how much their parents exert to raise them up and from the realization, they come begin to believe they are valuable, as well as they turn to be more responsible through the consequences caused in default of their assigned work. For these reasons, I strongly agree to let children do some housework. chores.
안녕하세요 =) 에세이 잘 읽었습니다.
전반적인 에세이의 구성은 좋습니다! 구조의 결함이나 문제점은 거의 없어요~
다만 예시를 들땐 For example, For instance 등의 구로 시작하여 확실하게 예를 제시한다고 표현해주는 것이 좋습니다.
그리고 예를 드실땐 개인적이거나 사적인 예를 들기보단 객관적인 예를 드시는게 좋아요.
세번째 문단에서 드신 예는 매우 좋은 예입니다. 하지만 두번째 문단의 예시는 너무 사적인거 같아요~
그리고 house chores라는 단어보다는 housework라는 단어가 흐름상 더 자연스러워요.
조금 더 다양하고 어려운 단어를 외우셔서 퀄리티를 높이신다면 만점도 받으실수 있을것 같아요 =)
화이팅 하세요!